I was looking through some old pictures tonight to update my new facebook page and I came across this one:
I think I look really happy in this picture. I was visiting a farm near our house with my siblings (two of which were pregnant), my parents, and my five little nephews. What is ironic is that this picture was taken on October 30, 2010 just two days after I received some really devastating news: after seven years of infertility and 13 months of the adoption process our first embryo transfer had failed and our two remaining embryos did not have a very good chance of making it. This picture represents many things to me that I want to share:
1.
Joy in the midst of sorrow.
Quite simply, it is lovely to see someone (even me) find the light of life in the midst of a dark and sad time. I attribute this to a few things: First as a person I tend to focus on the simple pleasures of life. (I am so much an
Amelie!) On this day it was the crispness of a fall day, finding the perfect orange pumpkin, and this huge cow named Grandma Tina. Second, I am an optimist and have learned to focus on the positives in life. (I am totally a
Pollyanna.) While there wasn't much positive at that time in my struggle to become a mom, I do have a lovely extended family and I enjoyed spending time with them that day. Lastly, Joy by my life definition is a condition born out of a grateful heart. It is not dependent upon day to day circumstances but rather the absoluteness of the fact that I am a creation of God, he loves me, he is trustworthy, and he has given me the ultimate gift in sacrificing his life so that I can spend eternity with him.
2.
Spiritual growth in the victory over bitterness and the Lord's mercy in my life.
There were many times in my life (especially in the earlier years of our infertility) when I would tend towards bitterness in my state of barrenness. I focused on our situation as a childless couple more than anything else. On this day (Oct. 30) I could have easily chosen to stay home and not attend this family gathering which was very kid-centered. The fact that I not only went but was able to enjoy the experience is evidence of God's mercy in turning my heart from bitterness to gratefulness. To turn from bitterness was a great struggle for me and I had prayed specifically to be freed from the burdensome grasp it had on me. In this picture I can see my prayers answered.
3.
The importance of faith in God's ultimate plan.
It is amazing to think how much has happened in my life since that day. Two days after this picture was taken our RE (Dr. K) called to tell us that he would like to match us with a new embryo donor family (for free) and he would be putting us at the front of a year long line of people waiting to be matched. A little over a year from the day this picture was taken our precious Lena was born. When I pull back and look at my life and the many unexpected turns it has taken I can see God at work. My life is not the way I planned it (and I am a super huge planner). I hate the lack of control I sometimes feel in my own life. I have had to learn the discipline of faith in a wise, righteous, creative, and loving God. There are events in my life and in the lives of others I still don't understand. But I love when God gives us hindsight in some situations so that we can see his work in our lives.
I am not in a dark time in my life right now. My life is full of light..flooded with light and I am so thankful for that. I don't want to forget the dark times. They too are part of my story.
When I first started researching it the choices and options were confounding! After much research on many sites like Babble's Best of Cloth Diapers 2011 list and after talking to lots of people who have found success with cloth diapering I decided on Charlie Banana's cloth diaper line supplemented by the Bummis cloth diaper prefold line. 
I think the Charlie Banana's will be my favorite diaper (they are the best looking and most trim of the two) but I also like the convience and cost effectiveness of the Bummis prefolds. 
I began building my stash last summer when I scored several boxes of small and medium sized Charlie Bananas on Zulily. This week Target has their Charlie Banana line on sale and I ordered a few more one sized diapers to supplement my stash. Last week I had a great prefold diaper lesson from my friend Faith and afterwords scored a small set of Bummis prefolds off of Craigslist. 
On Sunday I ordered some cloth diapering detergent from Rock in Green and I will begin prewashing the diapers for use as soon as it arrives. Tomorrow I am going to drop by Babies R Us to pick up my new cloth diapering pail by Safety First and use my Blueberry diaper pail liner that I scored off of Babysteals for half price.
Today we had a diaper modeling session with Lena. I think she likes her new cute and super soft dipes! In all I would say I have invested $600 in cloth diapers and accessories. (I went a little overboard...) We spend about $50-70 a month in disposables right now so I hope the cloth will pay for itself in a year. Wish me luck everyone!
