BETA #2 Results

I had to call Dr. K's office to get my results.  It was almost the close of the work day and I didn't want to endure the waiting any longer.  Mrs. A the coordinator talked with me to let me know that my HCG went down from 15 to 0 so there is definitely no babies this time.  I can't say that I am very surprised.  The stretching ballooning feeling I was having 4-5 days ago completely disappeared a few days ago and a few other HPTs that were more sensitive than the Dollar Tree brand came back totally negative.  I am just glad to have closure on this FET.  I am super sad about losing four more of Lena's genetic siblings.  We only have one embryo left from her match- a blast that we refroze after it was thawed and grown out from Lena's FET in 2011.  We also have two blasts from our Snowflakes match.  We will likely use these three embryos in our next FET which will likely be sometime in October.  If that FET is unsuccessful we will then jump back on our clinic's waiting list to adopt more donated embryos.  I confirmed with Mrs. A that this option is definitely a possibility for us.  Thanks for all the kind words and prayers for our family and our babies.  It meant so much to know that people were praying for us, encouraging us, (and some of you) sharing your own similar experiences and losses.  I am sad but also ready to bring our last three embryos to life as soon as my body is ready.  In the mean time to cope I will:

1.  Enjoy life with my beautiful miracle daughter and loving husband. 
2.  Return to bootcamp - TONIGHT!  I feel like such a wimpy marshmallow!
3.  Race in the Long Beach sprint distance triathlon on September 8.  (I already registered..)
4.  Run the Long Beach Half Marathon on October 13 with Team Mike!
5.  Begin fundraising for FET #5 - I listed tons of stuff on Craigslist today, I also listed a new timeshare week for rent on Redweek.com (you may have to create a free account to view it), we are having a garage sale on Saturday, and I have tons of stuff to post in my EBAY store which will reopen soon. 

To God be the glory in all things.  The miracle in this is not a baby, but that in the loss I don't feel bitter or angry. 

No Results Today

My new lab slip from Dr. K's office didn't come in the mail yesterday which means I can't do my blood test this morning as planned.  I will try to go after I get home from teaching if possible;  if not then I will just do the blood draw tomorrow morning.  Either way, there will be no results today. 

Official Results: Still Hope for a Miracle

I finally got a call from Dr. K's office a few hours ago.  The nurse told me that my HCG level came back at a low positive of 15.  Dr. K wants me to keep taking my injections and take another blood test on Tuesday.  He will be looking to see that my HCG level doubles every 48 hours which would mean they are looking for an HCG level of at least 60. 

My greatest hope is that my HCG level is explained by our one embryo that was "slow growing but looked great" according to the embryologist on transfer day.  It was a 2PN (18 hour old embryo) that grew to only 10 cells by transfer day.  Most grow to be at least 100 cells.  The embryologist said that it looked good and was definitely growing but just very slowly.  Perhaps our little slow grower is still growingly slowly in my belly.  We'll see on Tuesday.

Little "Pokey" our slow grower!

I never got a positive pregnancy test because I was using Dollar Tree brand tests that only read pregnancy if the HCG level is 50 or higher.  Here is a neat website I found that tells what the HCG levels are for various tests on the market:  CLICK HERE

I should swear off home tests at this point but I won't. I bought a few from CVS that measure HCG levels of 25 and higher.  I will take one tomorrow to see where we are at. 

Who wants to pray for a miracle with us?  Grow baby grow!

Still No Official Results

I can see that people are stalking the blog for a results post...I did my blood test yesterday morning at a local lab (a very incompetent one) and I am supposing that is why I haven't been called yet with my HCG results.  I took several home tests though and all have been negative so I am guessing they aren't going to tell me anything that I already don't know.  If they confirm that I am not pregnant we will make our last try with FET #5 as soon as my body allows- probably October. 

And then there was the eve of 7dp5dt +UPDATE

I am having an emotional crisis so I put Lena in the crib with juice and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and I'm lying on the bed eating chocolate that I am not supposed to be eating.  I thought I had it all under control.  I got her up from her nap and made her a juice and snack and directed her towards her toys so I could clean up the messy kitchen and make Dan dinner.  And then she dumped her juice on the living room carpet, cried, and wouldn't let go of my legs. 

Help!  My house is a disaster, I am STILL cramping from the transfer almost a full week later, I am STILL seething from having to drive 4.5 hours round trip today to Dr. K's for a simple blood draw for estrogen levels because insurance won't pay and the local lab wanted $350 for the test, the maddening "what if" crazies have begun to spin in my head, the PIO shots are really starting to be a pain in my butt - literally (bruises, welts, knots, rashes, and itching), and to top it all off I start my new job tomorrow.  Welcome to my pity party.  This is my fourth FET and days 7-10 are the toughest to endure, ALWAYS!  The logical woman inside my head is telling me to sit down, make a list, and prioritize.  She is telling me, "Everything doesn't have to be perfect right now."  But I hate admitting when I am defeated and I totally feel that way right now.  I don't even know how to finish this post.  I am waving the white flag.  I am sure I will re-read this at some point in the future and laugh at how dramatic I became over spilled juice.  I blame the PIO.  Those wicked little hormones... 

FYI:  7dp5dt means 7 days post 5 day transfer

UPDATE:
I have the best husband EVER!  He came home after working a 10 hour shift.  He brought dinner and sent me up to bed. He fed Lena, took her to the park, gave her a bath and then put her to bed.  And when I got up this morning I discovered that he stayed up late to clean the entire kitchen.  I went to my first day as a second grade homeschool co-op teacher and it went so well and I LOVED it!  Lena had a great day visiting Grandma and Grandpa while I was at work.  So thankful tonight for a loving and thoughtful husband and the prayers and support of my family and friends. 

Shot Lessons 2.0

We were a few weeks into my Delestrogen shots for FET #4 and I was experiencing lots of bleeding and pain from the tiny 22 gage needles.  When I was speaking with Trish the nurse at my my weekly ultrasound and bloodwork appointment I mentioned this to her.  She immediately told me to "shut the door and drop my drawers".  She could tell right away from the knots in my rear that Dan had been giving me my shots directly in my sciatic nerve which is why they have been so bloody and painful!  She drew two large bullseyes in red sharpie on my rear/hips and guess what....that night and every since then my shots haven't hurt and there has been little blood!  Yea!  I can't believe we got all the way to our fourth FET before we fixed this issue.  Dan rightfully blames the diagram they gave us for giving shots as it did not accurately show us where to give the shot.  (Ha! Maybe my backside is bigger than most!)  Anyways...I just want to tell all the other ladies out there who have to do fertility shots to ask your nurse to "bullseye" you!  It was super helpful and I love that my shots don't hurt anymore!

Dan has always been the shot giver in all of our FETs.  I told him it was his duty and while he doesn't like doing it, he always does it dutifully and mostly with a good attitude (except when we almost forget and have to get out of bed to do the shots).  This week since I am staying at my parents' house while Dan goes back to our city/home to work I am left with no choice but to give myself my shots.  Yikes!  So last night before Dan left I practiced under his guidance and I did it!  I drew the progesterone and stuck myself with the needle.  I almost blacked out doing it.  I started getting really light headed as I pushed the meds into my rear and then I got so nauseous and hot.  I had to have him hold me up while I finished and then sit down immediately.  It was pretty comical and over-dramatic - there is a reason why I never considered becoming a nurse!  I am a little nervous but tonight I am giving myself my shot again and this time without Dan around.  Here's to hoping I don't get so squeamish this time!

FET #4: Meet the Newest Shacks!

Dan always brings his sense of humor to every occasion!

 On August 13th we made the trip to Dr. K's office to meet our new babies.  Rather than stay at a hotel the night before like we did with our other three transfers we decided to stay with my parents who live closer to Dr. K than we do.  They watched Lena while we were away for the day and they are helping watch her while I stay down on bed rest for the next three days.  We feel really great about how the transfer went and have great peace about everything which is so different from our transfer last November.  We showed up at 10:45 as directed for our 11:30 transfer.  The office was very busy that day so our transfer was delayed for 45 minutes or so.  Finally we were called back to the transfer room and after awhile the embryologist came in to discuss how our embryos did in the thaw.  We had decided to thaw two 2PN embryos from Lena's match.  They were thawed on Friday, August 9th and only one of them had survived.  The second embryo looked great but the embryologist said it was growing very slowly.  It was only 10 cells when it should be 100 cells..but it looked good and it was still growing.

Our first embryo that was transferred - 2PN 10 cells

Proud Papa with embryo #1

The embryologist then asked us what we wanted to do and we were given two choices: thaw more embryos (we had three blasts left from Lena's match and two blasts from our first adopted match) or just transfer our one surviving embryo.  We decided to thaw one blast from Lena's match and the embryologist left to do her work.  We waited for another hour or so...

Dan getting a little reading done while we wait.

Me showing off my funking pink transfer socks.

...and then the embryologist came back in.  She told us that they had to thaw two more blasts because they were frozen together.  One was looking good and the other not so good.  They brought us a picture of our first embryo and the good blast that they had thawed.  I don't know why they didn't take a picture of the blast that didn't look so good.  My thoughts were that they were going to transfer only two and refreeze the other blast if it survived.

Our "good" blast.

Proud Mama with the picture of two of the three embryos.  

 I took my Dizapam and began to feel very relaxed as we waited for Dr. K to come in.  I was really surprised when Dr. K walked in and asked us, "How do you feel about putting all three in?  I am okay with that."  We both quickly stated yes!  Dr. K had always been very strong about only putting two embryos in.  The discussion I had with him a few weeks ago about not thawing more embryos than we put in must have impacted him a little.  I am glad I spoke up even though it was hard to do so.  So we actually transferred three embryos this FET!  The transfer went really smoothly.  It was slightly uncomfortable having the ultrasound wand pushed on my bladder when it was so full!

During the actual transfer.

The black blob in the top right is my bladder.  The small bright white blob in the center is the embryos after they were put in my uterus.

Relaxing after the transfer.  I was so comfy for the most part and glad I didn't overfill my bladder this time.

We are so thankful that everything went as well as it did.  We both feel very at peace with how the transfer went.  My first BETA (pregnancy test) is scheduled for August 23rd but as always I will do a home test several days before then.  

Here is to hoping the Lord blesses us with Shack baby #2... or #3.... or #4....

The Glad Game and the 101 Freeway

Our cycle for our fourth FET has officially begun!  Yesterday I spent five and half hours in the car driving in LA traffic to and from my first appointment with Dr. K.  The drive is not my favorite part of this process..in fact I dread it.  With our first two FETs Dan would often accompany me to my appointments and we would stop at various fun destinations in downtown LA to make a fun day of our journey to see Dr. K.  Now that we have Lena (who is not allowed in Dr. K's office for good and obvious reasons) I go to my appointments alone.  Yesterday tried to pull out my inner "Pollyanna" and find the good in my commute to Dr. K.  My first "glad" thought was that I only live a few hours by car away from Dr. K when he has many patients that fly all the way from Asia and across the US to see him.  Next, I was "glad" to see that it was a beautiful day in LA.  There wasn't smog and the skies were blue and clear which gave me a great view off the city and surrounding areas.  Next, I was "glad" to be driving by so many iconic sites while I was in traffic on the 101 freeway (which is the old "El Camino Real" route) which winds through the heart of Los Angeles and then up through Hollywood and Studio City and onward to Dr. K.  I drive right by the Capitol Records building, have a clear view of the Hollywood sign, and drive past numerous studios including the famed Universal Studios.

I was also "glad" to have time to listen to Mumford and Sons and Dave Matthews and an interesting segment on "The Dave Ramsey Show".  Lastly, I was "glad" to arrive safely and on time to all my destinations.  I had a good appointment with Dr. K and my favorite nurse Ms. A.  I had my baseline ultrasound and blood work done.  I also tentatively scheduled our FET for August 12th and ordered our meds for this cycle.  I didn't end up having any meaningful conversation with Dr. K.  When he asked me if I had any questions I totally chickened out and said "no".  I don't know why...but I am terrified to discuss with him how uncomfortable I was with his decision to thaw additional embryos for our last transfer without my consent.  It is a conversation I need to have with him at some point soon so I will muster up the courage next time.  I want all surviving thawed embryos put in and he doesn't like to put in more than two.  Somehow we will have to agree on what is best to do.  Anyways, Dan gave me my first delestrogen shot last night which hurt and stung quite badly.  I make the trek back to Dr. K again next Tuesday.  Anyone want to visit with me on the phone while I talk on bluetooth and brave the streets of LA next week?  ; )

Shift in Focus

It has been a little over 8 months since our third FET and while at first it was disappointing to decide to wait at least 6 months before our fourth FET I am glad we waited.  Truthfully I didn't feel ready when we did our third FET in November.  While I had made progress losing some of my baby weight I was still considerably heavier than I hoped to be at that point.  Since November I have lost 50 more pounds and am currently 20-25 pounds lighter than  when I got pregnant with Lena.

Part of me has really enjoyed the process of focusing on my physical health.  It feels good to set and achieve fitness goals.  I was able to complete a half marathon,  take a very active and fun family vacation where I hiked, zip lined, and swam in a two piece bathing suit without feeling self-conscious!  It is now time though to shift focus and I don't think it is going to be an easy transition for me.  I LOVE being a mom... but I also LOVE being active and adventurous.  I want to go camping, and train for my favorite race (the Long Beach Triathlon), and start my new job teaching 2nd grade homeschool without the stress of doctor visits and waiting for blood test results and getting a sore behind from shots.  I still find it hard to believe that the normal way most people conceive is to simply have sex for a few minutes. (Sorry if that was too crude!)  While I want so badly to have a sibling for Lena and to give her embryo brothers and sisters a chance at life I wouldn't be honest if I didn't also say that I am not looking forward to the process to make this happen.  I am so fortunate to remember that I have family and friends who support us so well: financially, with babysitting during doctor appointments, and also with prayer.

On another matter, if I am blessed with another pregnancy I am terrified of gaining back all the weight I have worked so hard to lose.  I will HAVE to find a way to be pregnant and healthy this time.  I don't know how to keep the weight off without proper exercise.  I don't know how to exercise properly and not constantly worry about a miscarriage.  I am glad that my new OB/GYN is a female who is so personable and has personally dealt with pregnancy and infant loss and also is into fitness.  She will be a great guide should I navigate the world of pregnancy again.

On occasion I am asked what our plans are if our next FET doesn't result in a pregnancy.  I really am not ready to think about that yet.  What we have decided is that we will keep on with our FETs until all seven of our remaining embryos have had a chance to grow.  That is about as far as we have decided at this point.

I called our fertility clinic a few weeks ago to let them know we are ready to begin an FET cycle.  Right now we are just waiting for my body to be ready and then our weekly 2.5 hour drives across town will begin.  I am trying to get excited about the possibility of being pregnant again but I am only 35 pounds away from my goal weight and it is hard to shift my focus from fitness to fertility.  I have a few more weeks to get my head right before we are deep into needles, ultrasounds, and hard discussions about embryos.  Pray for me friends!

Adoption FUNdraising!

One of my big projects this spring has been to work on raising funds for our next embryo transfer for our remaining adopted embryos.  It is looking like August will be our month and we will need $3000 as early as July to cover our medical expenses and the cost of the medicine.  We were really close and then we had to use a big chunk to pay for our embryo frozen storage fees for 2013.  I have added to our blog a fundraiser tracker as well as an info list of all of the ways you can help us raise adoption funds.  Here are some additional details:

My little EBAY helper getting ready to ship several packages!

EBAY
Lena and I have been EBAYing quite a bit!  My store is actually a little empty right now so I need to get into the garage and find some more items to sell.  I am adding items pretty regularly so if you don't see something you like check back!  Visit my store here!  Also, if you are in Southern Cal and have something to donate to my EBAY store please email me and I can arrange to pick it up from you.

Marriott Grande Vista in Orlando, Fl June 7-14 . ($1000 OBO for the week and includes all taxes and fees)

Marriott Shadow Ridge Villas in Palm Desert, CA June 28-July 5. ($1200 for the week and includes all taxes and fees) 

Vacation Rentals
Our biggest items to "sell" are two weeks rental of our Marriott Vacation Timeshare.  We have just REDUCED THE PRICES of these weeks.  The Orlando, FL week is a use it or lose it week so please make us an offer or it will simply go to waste!  We only have two weeks left to sell the Palm Desert, CA week before we have to bank it if it doesn't sell.  Help us spread the word about these rentals!  Click on the captions above to get lots of details about the rentals.  Each unit is a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom condo that sleeps 8 people with full kitchen, living room, private laundry, and full access to the property's ammenities.

Clothing / Item Swap
A fellow adoptive mom is hosting a clothing/item swap for us on May 18th at 2pm in La Mirada, CA.  If you live nearby and would like to participate please email me and I can have her send you the evite.  You just bring $25 for our adoption plus one or two bags of clothes and items and you go home with one to two bags of clothes and items that you choose at the swap.

We may have some other fundraising efforts in the near future and I will be sure to post about those opportunities.  Thanks friends!

Embryo Adoption Fundraiser: Vacation Rentals

Ready to plan your summer vacation?

Dan and I are renting a few weeks of our Marriott timeshare to raise funds for our next adopted embryo transfer this summer. There are two great properties available; both are two bedroom/two bathroom villas with full kitchen and sleep 8 people and are significantly discounted over what Marriott is currently charging. Both properties are very family friendly and have incredible pool complexes.  Here are links to the flyers for our timeshare weeks. They include all the resort and accomodation details as well as floorplans.

Please help us spread the word and share with friends, co-workers, and family who might be interested! 

Please contact Dan or myself if you have any questions! Dan: dshack50@hotmail.com    Elizabeth: eshack621@aol.com


Week 1 is at Marriott Grande Vista in Orlando, Fl June 7-14, 2013 . ($1200 OR BEST OFFER for the week and includes all taxes and fees which is $1300 cheaper than what Marriott is currently charging)
https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B0ytU7Sn3dtbYlBSdDNsZFAwekU/edit?usp=sharing


 

Week 2 is at Marriott Shadow Ridge Villages in Palm Desert, CA June 28-July 5, 2013. ($1400 for the week and includes all taxes and fees which is $1000 cheaper than what Marriott is currently charging)
https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B0ytU7Sn3dtbSy14aU5wUW9wQzQ/edit?usp=sharing
 

Change of Plans

January has nearly come and gone and no embryo transfer for us.  Life was moving too fast.  And I guess what it boils down to is the sum of a whole lot of things:  The last failed transfer was rough emotionally, we are loving life with Lena, I don't feel physically myself yet after my pregnancy (many pounds to lose still), we are not financially ready for another transfer, etc.  We are thinking of doing our fourth embryo transfer in July or August and in the mean time we are going to keep on exercising and maybe run a race!  (I've got my eye on a few half-marathons..)  We will be celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary in true Shackleton fashion by taking a long, adventurous family trip to Central America.  Visit family in Seattle where we haven't visited in several years.  (In fact WA peeps!  I am in Federal Way now- email me if you want to meet and chat over coffee! eshack621@aol.com)  Do a lot of eBay selling and maybe a few fundraisers to pay for the transfer and meds.  Take lots of day drips to Knott's, Chuck E Cheese, the park, the petting zoo, the beach, and generally just soak in this lovely time of being a family of three.