The Little Everyday Things

Lena helped pick out and prepare dinner.  She wants to be a chef one day!

These days go by quickly.  It's a whirlwind of daily happenings...breakfast, chores, crafts, outings, quiet time, play time, story time, bath time, bed time, and everything in between.  I am in that phase when life is a blur.  And I don't want to forget the everyday things...the little things.

 Like when I tell Kinley to pick up the Light Bright pieces and she picks them up with her toes because she is just plain silly like that.  Or when Lena exclaims for the thousandth time in the middle of January " Mom don't you just LOVE Christmas time?!"  Or how they make little voices together when they play dolls or sing the "nigh-night " song with me or beg to be read Ma and Pa before bed.  Or how Lena prays for "everyone" and thanks God "for everything he has done" in the most grandios and general fashion every night.

 Or how excited Kinley gets about eating hotdogs with red dip. Or best of all those kisses and hugs right before lights out.  All these little moments are precious and I am afraid to lose them to time.

 I saw an eleven month old baby the other day and I realized that I've already forgotten so much. I am glad though to live in the moment and enjoy who my girls are now, in this stage, at this time.  And tomorrow I will enjoy who they are then at that stage, at that time.  And I just wish time would slow down just a little.

Our Little Nursery is No More

Grandma and Grandpa's guest room is now up and ready for visitors!

 We finally took down our nursery and moved the girls into the same room together.  It was bittersweet to say goodbye to the room where so many memories were made.  I rocked my babies to sleep in that room and prayed for my unborn girls in that room.  It sat empty for so long when our FETs would fail and now it will be empty once again.  We are glad to have a nice space for visitors though!  We got a set of bunk beds for the girls off of Craigslist.  Lena is on the bottom bunk for now and Kinley will stay in her crib a little longer. 

The last remnants of the nursery are the Dr. Seuss prints which were soon replaced by some of Lena's paintings.

The girls enjoying their new bunk beds!

Favorite Things: FOOD! How I lost six pounds in one week!

My overhauled bread bowl is now full of veggies for this week's recipes.

I am a total self professed foodie.  I love to eat, to bake, to savor lots of different flavors... I favor most cheese and baked goods.  Dan is also a foodie.  We encourage each other's foodie habits and spoil each other with our favorite foods.  I am one of those wives that shows her love through food.  I bake Dan treats, make yummy dinners, layout out spreads of our favorite cheese and accompaniments, I even bake homemade bread.  I am solely responsible for the baked goods addiction that many of Dan's co-workers have developed because I send baked goods to his office so often.  But this week things have begun to change....

I have come to the realization recently that when I bake really delicious but unhealthy treats and meals for my family (on a regular basis) I am not showing the right kind of love.  I have decided that I want my meals to say, "I am super delicious...I took time and thought to prepare...AND I will nourish your body and keep it working the proper way."  If I truly love my family I will take time to make them food that will keep them healthy, not send them to an early death.

Shopping for week 1 menu! (Plus a few extras like milk for Lena, Goldfish crackers for Lena, Spaghettios for Lena...etc.

I have wanted to change the way I cook for a long time but I put it off.  I didn't want to take the time to research recipes, restructure my pantry, and honestly I didn't want to give up making the baked goods that I love to make.  BUT...I didn't lose any weight from June until the end of September and I knew with my boot camp and triathlon training it wasn't because I wasn't exercising.  I knew that if I wanted to push through this weight loss plateau I was going to have to change the way I ate.

Crockpot meatballs and spaghetti squash.

Recently, I became acquainted with a food blogger online and in real life (I teacher her daughter piano lessons.) whose nutritional philosophy is: "It's time to change the way we eat.  It's time to cut out processed foods and to return to a diet filled with wholesome ingredients." I began following her blog www.realhealthyrecipes.com and her Facebook page (of the same name).  I was surprised by the variety of recipes she has posted and by how good they looked.  Still I was hesitant to try her recipes out because they called for some ingredients I hadn't tried before like blanched almond flour, coconut oil, coconut crystals, nutritional yeast, etc.  Then Diana, the food blogger, offered an 8-week menu planner with accompanying weekly shopping lists and I bought it and last week I began my 8-week boot camp towards a healthier lifestyle.  Here are my thoughts on my new food plan:

• I love shopping for all my meals in one shopping trip at the beginning of the week!
• I love not having to wonder what I should make for dinner every night.
• It is fun rating each meal on our menu so we can decide which ones we want to make again or tweak.
• It is surprisingly easy to make your own meals from fresh, non-processed food five nights a week.
• After not losing a pound all summer I lost six pounds in one week on this new meal plan.  
• Lena (my super picky eater) tried, ate, and liked,THREE new vegetables in one week.  Her favorite is cauliflower rice. (She has tons of variations of this rice that I can't wait to try!)
• I am a fan!

Most of the new ingredients were not that hard to find!  These were some good deals I found at Costco! (Coconut oil, coconut crystals, blue agave syrup)

Since I am such a fan of baked goods I love that Diana has tons of healthier cookie and dessert recipes for me to try.  My favorite so far is a blondie recipe that is awesome!  I am so glad that I have taken the plunge into learning healthier cooking techniques and some great new recipes.  I am certain that I will still eat cheese and have some of my old favorites occasionally but I LOVE that I have finally found a way to eat healthy food without getting bored and feeling deprived.  I will have to update once we get a few more weeks into our 8 week Real Healthy Menu.

The Glad Game and the 101 Freeway

Our cycle for our fourth FET has officially begun!  Yesterday I spent five and half hours in the car driving in LA traffic to and from my first appointment with Dr. K.  The drive is not my favorite part of this process..in fact I dread it.  With our first two FETs Dan would often accompany me to my appointments and we would stop at various fun destinations in downtown LA to make a fun day of our journey to see Dr. K.  Now that we have Lena (who is not allowed in Dr. K's office for good and obvious reasons) I go to my appointments alone.  Yesterday tried to pull out my inner "Pollyanna" and find the good in my commute to Dr. K.  My first "glad" thought was that I only live a few hours by car away from Dr. K when he has many patients that fly all the way from Asia and across the US to see him.  Next, I was "glad" to see that it was a beautiful day in LA.  There wasn't smog and the skies were blue and clear which gave me a great view off the city and surrounding areas.  Next, I was "glad" to be driving by so many iconic sites while I was in traffic on the 101 freeway (which is the old "El Camino Real" route) which winds through the heart of Los Angeles and then up through Hollywood and Studio City and onward to Dr. K.  I drive right by the Capitol Records building, have a clear view of the Hollywood sign, and drive past numerous studios including the famed Universal Studios.

I was also "glad" to have time to listen to Mumford and Sons and Dave Matthews and an interesting segment on "The Dave Ramsey Show".  Lastly, I was "glad" to arrive safely and on time to all my destinations.  I had a good appointment with Dr. K and my favorite nurse Ms. A.  I had my baseline ultrasound and blood work done.  I also tentatively scheduled our FET for August 12th and ordered our meds for this cycle.  I didn't end up having any meaningful conversation with Dr. K.  When he asked me if I had any questions I totally chickened out and said "no".  I don't know why...but I am terrified to discuss with him how uncomfortable I was with his decision to thaw additional embryos for our last transfer without my consent.  It is a conversation I need to have with him at some point soon so I will muster up the courage next time.  I want all surviving thawed embryos put in and he doesn't like to put in more than two.  Somehow we will have to agree on what is best to do.  Anyways, Dan gave me my first delestrogen shot last night which hurt and stung quite badly.  I make the trek back to Dr. K again next Tuesday.  Anyone want to visit with me on the phone while I talk on bluetooth and brave the streets of LA next week?  ; )

Adoption FUNdraising!

One of my big projects this spring has been to work on raising funds for our next embryo transfer for our remaining adopted embryos.  It is looking like August will be our month and we will need $3000 as early as July to cover our medical expenses and the cost of the medicine.  We were really close and then we had to use a big chunk to pay for our embryo frozen storage fees for 2013.  I have added to our blog a fundraiser tracker as well as an info list of all of the ways you can help us raise adoption funds.  Here are some additional details:

My little EBAY helper getting ready to ship several packages!

EBAY
Lena and I have been EBAYing quite a bit!  My store is actually a little empty right now so I need to get into the garage and find some more items to sell.  I am adding items pretty regularly so if you don't see something you like check back!  Visit my store here!  Also, if you are in Southern Cal and have something to donate to my EBAY store please email me and I can arrange to pick it up from you.

Marriott Grande Vista in Orlando, Fl June 7-14 . ($1000 OBO for the week and includes all taxes and fees)

Marriott Shadow Ridge Villas in Palm Desert, CA June 28-July 5. ($1200 for the week and includes all taxes and fees) 

Vacation Rentals
Our biggest items to "sell" are two weeks rental of our Marriott Vacation Timeshare.  We have just REDUCED THE PRICES of these weeks.  The Orlando, FL week is a use it or lose it week so please make us an offer or it will simply go to waste!  We only have two weeks left to sell the Palm Desert, CA week before we have to bank it if it doesn't sell.  Help us spread the word about these rentals!  Click on the captions above to get lots of details about the rentals.  Each unit is a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom condo that sleeps 8 people with full kitchen, living room, private laundry, and full access to the property's ammenities.

Clothing / Item Swap
A fellow adoptive mom is hosting a clothing/item swap for us on May 18th at 2pm in La Mirada, CA.  If you live nearby and would like to participate please email me and I can have her send you the evite.  You just bring $25 for our adoption plus one or two bags of clothes and items and you go home with one to two bags of clothes and items that you choose at the swap.

We may have some other fundraising efforts in the near future and I will be sure to post about those opportunities.  Thanks friends!

To Whom Much Time is Given...

...Much is Required!  So I've found many new ways to stay accomplished in my new life as a stay at home mom.
I garden:

I craft:

I shop for nutritious ingredients at the farms:

I cook nutritious meals:

 I take care of my sweet girl:

And I do a bunch of other less picture worthy stuff too! (Like couponing, exercising, cleaning, bill paying, blogging, bible reading, etc.)  Life is good!

Remembering... the light in darkness.

I was looking through some old pictures tonight to update my new facebook page and I came across this one:


I think I look really happy in this picture. I was visiting a farm near our house with my siblings (two of which were pregnant), my parents, and my five little nephews.  What is ironic is that this picture was taken on October 30, 2010 just two days after I received some really devastating news: after seven years of infertility and 13 months of the adoption process our first embryo transfer had failed and our two remaining embryos did not have a very good chance of making it. This picture represents many things to me that I want to share:

1. Joy in the midst of sorrow.
Quite simply, it is lovely to see someone (even me) find the light of life in the midst of a dark and sad time.  I attribute this to a few things:  First as a person I tend to focus on the simple pleasures of life. (I am so much an Amelie!)  On this day it was the crispness of a fall day, finding the perfect orange pumpkin, and this huge cow named Grandma Tina.  Second, I am an optimist and have learned to focus on the positives in life.  (I am totally a Pollyanna.)  While there wasn't much positive at that time in my struggle to become a mom, I do have a lovely extended family and I enjoyed spending time with them that day.  Lastly, Joy by my life definition is a condition born out of a grateful heart.  It is not dependent upon day to day circumstances but rather the absoluteness of the fact that I am a creation of God, he loves me, he is trustworthy, and he has given me the ultimate gift in sacrificing his life so that I can spend eternity with him. 

2. Spiritual growth in the victory over bitterness and the Lord's mercy in my life.
There were many times in my life (especially in the earlier years of our infertility) when I would tend towards bitterness in my state of barrenness.  I focused on our situation as a childless couple more than anything else.  On this day (Oct. 30) I could have easily chosen to stay home and not attend this family gathering which was very kid-centered.  The fact that I not only went but was able to enjoy the experience is evidence of God's mercy in turning my heart from bitterness to gratefulness.  To turn from bitterness was a great struggle for me and I had prayed specifically to be freed from the burdensome grasp it had on me.  In this picture I can see my prayers answered.

3.The importance of faith in God's ultimate plan.
It is amazing to think how much has happened in my life since that day.  Two days after this picture was taken our RE (Dr. K) called to tell us that he would like to match us with a new embryo donor family (for free) and he would be putting us at the front of a year long line of people waiting to be matched.  A little over a year from the day this picture was taken our precious Lena was born.  When I pull back and look at my life and the many unexpected turns it has taken I can see God at work.  My life is not the way I planned it (and I am a super huge planner).  I hate the lack of control I sometimes feel in my own life.  I have had to learn the discipline of faith in a wise, righteous, creative, and loving God.  There are events in my life and in the lives of others I still don't understand.  But I love when God gives us hindsight in some situations so that we can see his work in our lives. 

I am not in a dark time in my life right now.  My life is full of light..flooded with light and I am so thankful for that.  I don't want to forget the dark times.  They too are part of my story.

What's in a name? - The tale of two Grandmas

At our baby shower in October one of my lovely hostesses asked me what my hopes were for our baby girl.  Up till that point I hadn't been intentional in thinking about that topic.  My thoughts were more pragmatic like:  I hope that our baby girl is healthy.. I hope she doesn't die.. I hope our baby girl is really a girl since I bought all girl clothes... etc.  Once I began to reflect on this question more deeply I realized that we had considered our hopes for baby girl in the selection of her name.  So this is the story of the people and the meaning behind Lena Joyce's name and what we hope for our new little baby girl.

Lena

This is Lena Chessie Dykstra Shackleton (1891-1955).  She is Dan's paternal grandmother who was born in Iowa in 1891 to Dutch immigrants.   She was mother to four boys who all grew up to serve the Lord and live lives committed to Christ. 

Joyce

 This is Joyce Crabtree Hurst (1918-1996).  She is my maternal grandmother who lived most of her adult life in San Francisco where I visited her a couple times every year.

I can tell . . . the end is near!

I get sooooo excited when I begin to see these:

and also these:

 

because I know that the end of the school year is near.  YEA!!!  In Southern California in late spring the Brazilian Jacaranda trees are in full bloom.  It is just so breathtaking to drive down the street and see this strikingly beautiful purple tree peeking out of the neighborhood.  Another really common plant in this area is night blooming jasmin.  These ground cover plants look pretty all day but in the evenings (especially warm evenings) their wonderfully enchanting scent is so alluring.  I choose jasmin as the centerpiece for the tables at our wedding reception.  Our 8th wedding anniversary is coming soon in June and the smell of those flowers takes me right back to wonderful memories of our wedding. 

I've never been so ready for summer vacation.  One thing I love-hate about my job is that there is an end and a new beginning.  I can't imagine living a life where I just perpetually worked week after week after week.  I like being a 10 month employee and having an end to my job and new start two months later.  It is also hard to get back into a work routine after being out of it for a few months.  It is around this time when I begin making my summer plans.  This summer we are not traveling the world but rather preparing for our world to change.  We are going to set up the nursery, clean out the garage and closets, and take all of our birthing and pregnancy classes at our hospital.  Today one of my work colleagues gave birth to her first child and I can't tell you how super excited I am for our baby to arrive now!  The weeks are going by soooo slow to me.  I am looking forward to my transition to being a mom and when I see these purplish trees I remember that that dream is just a little bit closer!

These are just a few of the jacarandas across the street from my school.

Pregnancy Tests and Patrick Henry

This week I taught Patrick Henry's "Give me liberty, or give me death!" speech.  It is hard sometimes to passionately teach such amazing and historical works of art when your "audience" just turns to their neighbor and says (in a whiny, breathy voice), "This is soooo stupid."  Anyways, I digress. . . in Henry's speech he states his life philosophy, ". . .it is natural to man to indulge in the illusions of hope. We are apt to shut our eyes against a painful truth . . . For my part, whatever anguish of spirit it may cost, I am willing to know the whole truth; to know the worst, and to provide for it."  I had my students reflect in their journals on the wisdom or foolishness of Henry's philosophy and compare it to how they approach difficulty.  I don't think in this passage Henry intends to communicate that we should not ever hope.  Hope when put in the right place/being is a good thing.  Here he chides his fellow colonists for putting their hope in something that is not worthy of their trust- the English government.  He encourages them to be grounded in reality; to open their eyes to the "painful truth" that war with England is coming and they should begin amassing an American militia to prepare for this war. 
When I reflect on how this philosophy relates to our embryo adoption situation I can see how I have struggled at times to be hopeful.  I like Patrick Henry think it is better to know the WHOLE truth even if it hurts so that I can move on, fight it, get prepared, etc.  I find myself at times thinking, "I just wish I could get to the transfer and two-week wait so I can just know if this transfer will work or not."   True to form today Dan and I went to Dollar Tree to purchase gobs of pregnancy tests so that I can know of our transfer results (good or bad) as soon as possible.  I know though that the hope I do have for a successful transfer is not ill placed.  As a follower of Christ my eyes have been opened to the reality that our purpose in life is to serve a loving, just, merciful, and wise God and not to seek personal fulfillment.  Sometimes his plans for my life do not match my own plans.  He may choose to have us go through a painful situation or he may choose to give us the desires of our heart.  Either way I can have peace in knowing that the one whom I hope in, the one who is my source of hope in our embryo adoption, is one who is worthy of my trust.  No matter what happens with this transfer we are acting according to His purpose for our lives in pursuing parenthood and embryo adoption and He will sustain us in difficult times and rejoice with us in times of blessing. 

I feel like I have so many more thoughts on this matter.  I think my EA blog buddies, Aaron and Jennifer who are preparing for their third transfer with the NEDC (their first two transfers did not result in a pregnancy) have beautifully expressed in their posts "Moving Forward",  "Thoughts regarding our third transfer", and "Balancing our emotions with God's truth"  how Dan and I feel about our own infertility/embryo adoption experience in relation to our relationship with Christ.  Please pray for them and for Dan and I as we approach our transfers in the upcoming weeks!

Blessings Abound

In these last few weeks I have been reminded of the good things in our lives as Dan and I have had wonderful time together with friends and time alone on several special dates.  We have been the recipient of words of encouragement and love.  We have been reminded of the blessing of friends, family and community.  Thank you Jesus for these blessings and for reminding me that a joyful heart is a gift and happiness is a choice.

(Me and my favorite blessing.)

Fatally Optimistic

Through our infertility and adoption journey I have come to realize that against my own will and better judgment I have been "gifted" with extreme optimism.

Two Year Blog-iversary!

Today I realized that it has been over two years since I began blogging.  My life has taken so many twists and turns in such a short time and I am so grateful for where Dan and I are at in our lives.  In the last two years  we have:
- bought our house in Chino which we LOVE
- celebrated my parent's 40th anniversary
- began our adoption journey
- celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary in Aruba and Puerto Rico
- welcomed two more cute nephews into the world
- lost 50 pounds and rediscovered my inner athlete
- said good bye to Dan's dad at 91 years old
- moved Dan's mom into a retirement home near our new house
- learned to trust God's leading hand in our lives

To celebrate my two year "blog-iversary" I wanted to re-post my favorite of my 90 blog posts.  It is a post that continuously applies to my life.

Click to read my most favorite blog post: "Perspective"  I'm sure you could all add to my list of life experiences that have taught us to have perspective. 

Lastly, I want to thank my family, friends, and fellow bloggers who have followed us in our life journey, prayed for us, encouraged us, rejoiced with us, and cried with us.  Life is so much better when you can share it!

Love is an ever-fixèd mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken

Today I am so thankful for my sweetie.  We have been married for almost seven years and have been through so many amazing adventures, times of saddness and loss, and difficult uncertanty.  God has walked with us through it all.  Most recently I had laparoscopy surgery because our doctor believed that I had endometriosis and felt that we might still have a chance to conceive naturally.  The surgery revealed that I did not have endometriosis (good) but instead I have abnormal tubes that are contorted and blocked (bad).  Only 2% of women have this, it is not possible to fix, and it means that if we conceive naturally it would be nothing short of a miracle.  We are glad to finally (after six years of having "unexplained infertility") have a diagnosis.  We have prayed specifically for this kind of closure.  The fact that we are so far along in the adoption process has helped bring some hope and comfort in the saddness of this news.  I am glad that Dan and I are a couple that draw closer to each other in times of difficulty rather than letting hard times push us apart.  The lord has been so gracious to us in that. 

Part of our Valentine's message at Grace today came from Luke 11 where Luke recalls a discussion between Jesus and his disciples on prayer:

 ⁹"So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. ¹⁰For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.
 ¹¹"Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? ¹²Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? ¹³If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!"

 So today with my parents we prayed to our Father that he would give Dan and I "good things":  hope for a family in the near future, joy in the midst of difficulty, a peaceful heart free of bitterness, patience that surpasses understanding, and trust in the wisdom and goodness of a loving God. 

Happy Valentine's Day to you all!  I leave you with one of my favorite love poems:

Sonnet 116 (William Shakespeare)

Let me not to the marriage of true minds Admit impediments. Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove. O no, it is an ever-fixèd mark That looks on tempests and is never shaken; It is the star to every wand'ring bark, Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken. Love’s not time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks Within his bending sickle’s compass come: Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, But bears it out even to the edge of doom. If this be error and upon me proved, I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Inspiration

I know some people get annoyed with New Year's Resolutions. Some think that it is pointless to make goals that will inevitably be put aside. I am not one of these people. My life is a life of second chances. Our adoption is a second chance at me becoming a mom. My fitness plan is a second chance to become a more healthy person. My salvation through Jesus Christ is a second chance for me to be blameless in the eyes of God. I worship a God who is merciful- a God of second chances. When a man asked Jesus, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times." (Matt. 18:21-22) If the God of the universe can have the compassion and patience to dole out endless second chances then can I not do so as well with others and with myself?

Does it matter that in the past I have lost weight only to gain it back? Does it matter that after almost six years of trying I am still not a mother? Does it matter that I still struggle with bluntness, laziness and other character flaws? Do my past "failures" to realize my goals mean that I should stop trying to attain those goals? I have to answer NO!!! I challenge you all to not give up either. When I was training for my marathon ten years ago I had a bulletin board up in my bedroom that was filled with inspirational stories, quotes, and pictures. It was important to me (and I think everyone) that I realize that I was not alone in my struggles. Everybody struggles. Everybody deals with adversity. It just looks different in different peoples lives.

We can help remind each other that there is always hope and there is always a second chance but we must step out and take that second chance and be willing to fail again. I have to admit I am afraid to go through with our embryo FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) because it might not work and that would be very painful for Dan and I. But if we don't try we won't be taking steps towards our goal of being parents.

As I gear up to get refocused on my goals I wanted to share the story of Matt Hoover (and his wife Suzy)who won season two of one of my favorite shows, The Biggest Loser. In this video clip Matt recaps his experience in attempting to finish Ford's Ironman in Hawaii on Oct. 10, 2009. It is long (7 min.) Watch it - it is worth it! Enjoy. . . it is my New Year's gift to you all!



If you want to know more about Matt whose next goal is to make the 2012 olympic wrestling team visit his blog here.

"It's not about what you have done in the past. . . it is about what you are doing." -Matt Hoover


I don't have a picture of my marathon handy but I LOVE this picture of Dan at the Disney Half Marathon in 2007. I ran it too but I only made it through the first four miles. But I ran!

2009 - A Year of Change and Challenge

2009 was year of change and challenge for Dan and I. Our top three major events amongst many other happenings were:

1. Dan changing his job moving from the South LA office to the Rancho Cucamonga office
2. The passing of Dan's dad - Alvin Shackleton
3. Our decision to begin the adoption process

We are looking forward to 2010 with hope and anticipation. The Lord has been faithful in bringing Dan and I through great difficulty. He has given us strength to persevere and we have great faith that He will continue to provide for us no matter what 2010 holds. Happy New Year to you all!


p.s. We made our first contact with our FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) doctor today and will have our first consultation and examination on January 11th. Yea!

A True Hero

"I believe God made me for a purpose, but he also made me fast. And when I run I feel His pleasure."



Eric Liddell(Olympic Gold Medalist in Track and Field as portrayed in Chariots of Fire:

You came to see a race today. To see someone win. It happened to be me. But I want you to do more than just watch a race. I want you to take part in it. I want to compare faith to running in a race. It's hard. It requires concentration of will, energy of soul. You experience elation when the winner breaks the tape - especially if you've got a bet on it. But how long does that last? You go home. Maybe you're dinner's burnt. Maybe you haven't got a job. So who am I to say, "Believe, have faith," in the face of life's realities? I would like to give you something more permanent, but I can only point the way. I have no formula for winning the race. Everyone runs in her own way, or his own way. And where does the power come from, to see the race to its end? From within. Jesus said, "Behold, the Kingdom of God is within you. If with all your hearts, you truly seek me, you shall ever surely find me." If you commit yourself to the love of Christ, then that is how you run a straight race.

Do you long to feel "God's pleasure" in your life? To know that He made you for a purpose and you are living your life in accordance to that purpose?

Learn more about Eric's life here.

P.S. Since most all marathons take place on SundayI always thought someone should start a marathon (or even a 5k) on a Saturday in honor of Eric Liddell.

Waiting . . .

I have been anxious lately about our adoption. I haven't heard from the NEDC and according to their initial letter our mock transfer is supposed to be scheduled once we start our homestudy. Our homestudy has been finished and submitted for over 10 days now. When I emailed about a few issues (fertility doc in CA, when we would visit TN, and confirmation of our completed file) they emailed back with only vague responses to my questions. Not helpful and totally FRUSTRATING!

I would say in general that I have been pretty patient on our journey to become parents. We have been trying to conceive for five and half years now. If I have learned one thing about myself it is that my desire and emotions surrounding motherhood can fluctuate greatly. Our big house in our family-friendly neighborhood and our Chevy Tahoe "family car" we bought four years ago that I drive around alone in feel empty; I know my identity is founded in the Lord and not in my becoming a mom but I wonder what it would be like. I think about the thousands of little embryo babies stuck in their frozen straws and all the childless couples like us waiting to find each other.

There are times in my life when in God's grace I have found patience and peace. At other times (like now) I tire of the wait, of the not knowing if things will work out or if there is more pain and character refining in our future.

The hardest part of our fertility journey has been the lack of control over our future. I suppose I thought that now that Dan and I finally agreed to pursue embyro adoption we would be back in the "driver's seat" so to speak. We would have a definite timeline and I would be pregnant within the year, maybe even faster! I think I am realizing now that I have just reverted back to my need to control the details of life rather than trust our future to the Lord.

I know the promises of God: that he loves us, that he wants good for our lives, that he won't give us burdens that are too difficult for us to bear, that he will take care of our needs and knows our needs better than we do . . . But I also know that he cares more about the state of our souls than he does our daily happiness and if this is what needs to happen to bring Dan and I (and others) closer to Him then I accept this period of waiting and not knowing.

Romans 5:1-11

1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

6 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. 7 Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. 8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

9 Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him! 10 For if, when we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! 11 Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

Light

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom (or what) shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom (or what) shall I be afraid? ~Psalm 27:1

"Love Him in the morning. . .

. . .when you see the sun is rising!" is how one of my old favorite worship songs begins. Taking a glance out my bedroom window to see the vibrant colors of the sunrise is how I usually start my day. Isn't it beautiful?! I've always been a morning person but Chino really rewards you for getting up early with heartwarming scenes like this. Having learned to take pleasure in the little treasures on this earth has helped me stay grounded in times of turmoil. To me the sunrise is a glimpse of eternal glory. C.S. Lewis in his book The Great Divorce describes Heaven as a place where life is more solid, vibrant, and real compared to earth. The colors will be brighter, the rain will glisten more, the heavenly bodies of souls who have gone to heaven are more solid and strong. His imaginings are quite the contrast from the more accepted view of heaven and life after death where everything is translucent and vapor-like. Our spoiled and imperfect earth is merely a shadow compared to the aesthetic splendor and glory of Heaven.