Remembering... the light in darkness.

I was looking through some old pictures tonight to update my new facebook page and I came across this one:


I think I look really happy in this picture. I was visiting a farm near our house with my siblings (two of which were pregnant), my parents, and my five little nephews.  What is ironic is that this picture was taken on October 30, 2010 just two days after I received some really devastating news: after seven years of infertility and 13 months of the adoption process our first embryo transfer had failed and our two remaining embryos did not have a very good chance of making it. This picture represents many things to me that I want to share:

1. Joy in the midst of sorrow.
Quite simply, it is lovely to see someone (even me) find the light of life in the midst of a dark and sad time.  I attribute this to a few things:  First as a person I tend to focus on the simple pleasures of life. (I am so much an Amelie!)  On this day it was the crispness of a fall day, finding the perfect orange pumpkin, and this huge cow named Grandma Tina.  Second, I am an optimist and have learned to focus on the positives in life.  (I am totally a Pollyanna.)  While there wasn't much positive at that time in my struggle to become a mom, I do have a lovely extended family and I enjoyed spending time with them that day.  Lastly, Joy by my life definition is a condition born out of a grateful heart.  It is not dependent upon day to day circumstances but rather the absoluteness of the fact that I am a creation of God, he loves me, he is trustworthy, and he has given me the ultimate gift in sacrificing his life so that I can spend eternity with him. 

2. Spiritual growth in the victory over bitterness and the Lord's mercy in my life.
There were many times in my life (especially in the earlier years of our infertility) when I would tend towards bitterness in my state of barrenness.  I focused on our situation as a childless couple more than anything else.  On this day (Oct. 30) I could have easily chosen to stay home and not attend this family gathering which was very kid-centered.  The fact that I not only went but was able to enjoy the experience is evidence of God's mercy in turning my heart from bitterness to gratefulness.  To turn from bitterness was a great struggle for me and I had prayed specifically to be freed from the burdensome grasp it had on me.  In this picture I can see my prayers answered.

3.The importance of faith in God's ultimate plan.
It is amazing to think how much has happened in my life since that day.  Two days after this picture was taken our RE (Dr. K) called to tell us that he would like to match us with a new embryo donor family (for free) and he would be putting us at the front of a year long line of people waiting to be matched.  A little over a year from the day this picture was taken our precious Lena was born.  When I pull back and look at my life and the many unexpected turns it has taken I can see God at work.  My life is not the way I planned it (and I am a super huge planner).  I hate the lack of control I sometimes feel in my own life.  I have had to learn the discipline of faith in a wise, righteous, creative, and loving God.  There are events in my life and in the lives of others I still don't understand.  But I love when God gives us hindsight in some situations so that we can see his work in our lives. 

I am not in a dark time in my life right now.  My life is full of light..flooded with light and I am so thankful for that.  I don't want to forget the dark times.  They too are part of my story.

"Not Yet"

. . .was not the answer Dan and I were praying we would get after waiting seven years to become parents but this is indeed the news we received today.  My blood test confirmed what I had known these past few days;  we lost both of our babies.  Adoption and infertility are both journeys and this is one of the painful and sad moments in our journey.  But it is not just about Dan and I.  Yes, today we once again lost out on the opportunity to be parents but our babies lost out on a chance to experience life.  I miss them and I didn't even know them.  They and baby Shack that we lost at six weeks in 2008 are the only children we have ever known.  Dan and I revere life at its most basic form (a small cluster of human cells) which is why we felt so drawn to embryo adoption.  I mourn them and I mourn the loss of the opportunity to mother them and provide them a loving home.

Tomorrow we will meet with our FET Dr. and decide what to do next.  We still have two more adopted embies in cryogenic storage waiting for a chance at life and we are committed to give them that opportunity.  I am not sure when that will happen just yet.

Thank you for praying for our embies and for us.  Dan and I have chosen to share our story for many reasons and one of those reasons is so that when we go through really tough days like today we have a community to come around us and build us back up with encouragement, kindness, and prayer.  Thank you friends.

One last look at our precious baby Shacks.  I am glad we have this picture to remember them by.

It's not "Baby Glue", it's "CRAZY Glue"!

One of my embryo adoption blog buddies, Lacie, calls the PIO shots we have to take "baby glue".  Tonight Dan says that I need to change the name to "crazy glue".  I've cried, gotten angry, and laughed hysterically in the last 60 min. and I think I should probably practice the discipline of silence so I don't drive him crazy too!  Five days into the two week wait I was like, "This waiting thing isn't nearly as bad as others have made it out to be!".  Ha!  The joke is on me.  I have felt pretty tortured today.  Where did my peace go?  At least I still have my sense of humor. . .

Special Delivery!

Look what I got in the mail!!!

I was honored to receive THE Baby Games book this week to entertain and distract during my "two week wait"!  (Thanks Em!)  If you don't know the origin of this fun tradition see Lacie's blog.   I look forward to browsing through this treasure over the next few days and passing it along to another EA mom-to-be during her two week wait.  =)

Bed Rest Buddies

Yes. . . she really was staring at me this close to my face. 

Figgy, Ollie, Ichi, and Jersey. . . oh yea and lots of papers to grade. =)

Three days post transfer and I am doing really well.  I've enjoyed my days of bed rest so much!  I got a lot of paper grading done, watched some fun TV, and spent some nice quiet time with Dan.  I've been feeling very good emotionally.  I only "googled" info on FETs twice!  Physically I've been feeling the shots a bit more and the bruising has begun.  I made the mistake of not massaging the meds in after my shots one night and I paid for it big time the next morning.  The shots themselves don't hurt hardly at all.  Warming the vial of medicine before the shot and massaging the injection site afterwards has been really working for me.  The only physical issues I have had from the FET is pretty constant mild cramping since the day after the transfer.  Implantation is supposed to happen in the first 72 hours after the transfer which means that our embies have either made it or not at this point.  I am not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow.  I am just going to take it easy and make sure I leave on time and rest when I get home.  Well back to paper grading! 

Meet the newest Shacks!

Our little blasts!  Now that is an early baby picture!

Today was an amazing day.  When we arrived at Dr. K's office we met with the embryologist to get a report on how our embies did in the thaw.  They thawed two of our four blasts and they both survived!  They were thawed late Sunday afternoon and spent the night growing in a petri dish. The plan was to thaw the 5AB and 5BB embies and save the two 5BC embies for later but they realized that the New York clinic had not labeled the straws so they just picked two of the four to thaw.  We don't know which ones were selected but the embryologist says that we had one that was an expanding hatching blast that looked excellent (that is the one that is more irregular shaped) and one that was only 50-60% "intact" from being frozen- yet it was still alive and growing.  They said this last embie (the one that is perfectly round) did not look so good.  To our surprise they then asked us if we would like to thaw another embryo to give us a higher chance of pregnancy.  They said that we could not transfer the not-so-good embie if the newly thawed embryo looked better since we are not open to selective reduction (abortion to reduce multiples).  Of course for us that was not an option at all.  We always stated that we would transfer all embryos that survived the thaw and realize that even in the case of not-so-good embryos babies are born.  We decided to stick with our original plan and only transfer the two that were thawed and save the other two.  The embryologist felt that we most likely thawed one of the higher grade embryos (5AB or 5BB) and one of the lower grade embryos (the 5BC).  Which means we likely still have one higher grade and one lower grade embryo left in frozen storage. 

Ready for our babies!

After the embryologist left I took my Valium and drank some water to fill my bladder so that they can see my uterus better on the ultrasound machine.  Then while the Valium took effect Dr. K came in to discuss our choice to transfer two embryos, explain the procedure, and answer our questions.  Given our decision not to selectively reduce and to transfer all surviving embryos he agreed with our decision.  He said that while the chance of the not-so-good embryo surviving was small he has seen it happen.  He transferred two very low grade embryos to a woman last year and they both implanted and the woman had twins.  He said that I needed to smile more and change my thinking now that the decision had been made.  He said I needed to be 100% positive about this transfer.  (Isn't Dr. K awesome???)  We walked into the transfer room where I changed into my gown and relaxed on the table with my tunes (Chris Rice, Switchfoot, Coldplay, Nora Jones, etc.) while Dan rubbed my head.  The Valium was great but I think the prayers of many were answered today.  I NEVER felt nervous and I never cried once.  I was more excited about today than anything.  The nurse came in and said my bladder looked great on the ultrasound and then Dr. K came in and place the catheter in and our little embryos slipped right inside my body.  He took a picture of them inside my uterus.  I was totally AMAZED!  Dr. K said the transfer went perfectly.  I had to lay and relax on the table for 20 minutes and then they put me in a wheel chair.  I finally got to empty my bladder (yea!) and then we said good bye to Dr. K who ordered me to rest, not stress for several weeks, eat brownies and ice cream after all my meals, and smile lots.  =)  They wheeled me out to our truck and then Dan and I headed back home to follow Dr.'s orders and relax. 

The big black space on top is my bladder.  The bright white lines are my uterus.  The bright white spot in the middle of my uterus is the fluid with our embies! Amazing huh?

For others who are doing EA here are some thoughts:  The actual transfer was a breeze!  The bladder thing was no big deal at all which surprised me because I was most freaked out about this part (but being a teacher I have a well trained bladder. . .he he).  I am really glad I had my mp3 player because it helped pass the time when I had to lay down and wait. 

So what is next?  In the next 72 hours the embryos are supposed to float up to the top of the uterus and implant in my uterine lining.  We have more blood tests on Friday (Oct. 22) for progesterone and estrogen level checks.  Then on Oct. 28th we have and HCG (Beta) check which will tell us if our embryos implanted or not.  In the embryo adoption world they call this the "two week wait" (2WW).  It is usually a most difficult period of waiting and wondering.  I've got lots of distractions planned:  movies to watch, magazines to read (thanks Jenn!), blogging to do, papers to grade (boo), kitties and a doggie to cuddle with, reading to do, etc.  I looking forward to a break in my normal teaching routine.  Dan has been really great bringing me food, setting up my t.v. shows, and keeping me company.   He is good EA husband.  =)

Well it is time for my delestrogen and PIO shots which have been going great.  I have zero bumps or pain from my shots so far.  Yea!  I think following the advice from those who came before me has really helped.  I still can't believe that there are two small little lives growing inside me right now.  May the Lord bless them and us as they continue to grow.  It is our dearest hope and prayer that they both make it!

Just sayin. . .(thoughts on transfer morning)

I woke up a bit early today.  I am getting a little nervous.  I don't know why.  Maybe what I am feeling is more excitement.  It is going to be hard to relax especially with a full bladder which makes probably all people anxious.  But I have the peace of God in my heart, my husband by my side, the most kind Dr. you could EVER ask for, and my tunes on my mp3 to listen to.   I am looking forward to seeing the picture they will take of our thawed embryos.  It is rainy outside and I am glad I brought really comfy clothes to wear today.  I have this verse on my mind today:
"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you." Isaiah 26:3
 Well I am off to shower and get ready.  We get free breakfast buffet at our hotel!  (Dan is super excited about that.)  And then we will drive a short 10 min down the freeway to Dr. K's. 
 

Out last pre-transfer day. =)

Relaxing on the couch in our hotel the night before our transfer.

Today we finished getting our house clean and organized before our transfer.  (I relax better in a clean environment.)  We made our way to our hotel and checked into our comfy suite just a few freeway exits away from Dr. K's office.  No stressful freeway traffic tomorrow morning!  We went out for an early dinner. I got a nice mani/pedi. Then we cashed in a gift certificate that we have been saving for a special occasion.  Now we are relaxing on the couch in our hotel room watching football and finalizing my relaxing music playlist for my mp3 player that I will use during the transfer.  Tomorrow morning we will arrive at Dr. K's office at 9am to begin to prep for the transfer and discuss how our embies did in the thaw.  We pray that the two we plan to thaw make it!  I will then take valium and drink lots of water so they can see my insides better for the transfer.   I will update as soon as I can to let you know how our embies are.  Thanks for praying for them, and for us. We are both very excited, a little nervous, and SUPER glad this day is finally here.  =)

My pre-transfer mani/pedi.

We cashed in a See's certificate we've been saving for a special day.

Supposedly eating pineapple core improves implantation.  I am not really big on this but I thought, "Hey, why not?  I love pineapple!"

First PIO . . . AKA Baby Glue

Today I had my regular delestrogen shot plus my first  progesterone shot.  I was super nervous and I am not sure I will ever get used to it.  Good thing Dan is a really, really good shot giver.

Delestrogen - .3cc / 1ml syringe - 2 times per week

In goes the delestrogen!  One shot down one to go!

Progesterone in Oil (PIO) - 2cc / 3ml syringe - every night until the second trimester

All done!  Whew we made it!

Beautiful Day in LA & Beautiful Lining!

Our view from the freeway.

Today was my last appointment before our transfer.  Dr. K said that my uterine lining looked great and that our transfer can stay on schedule for 9:45 am on Monday the 18th.  Alright!!!  I will continue my delestrogen shots on Mondays and Thursdays and starting Wednesday I will add one progesterone in oil (PIO) shot every night.  If I get pregnant from this transfer I will continue these shots throughout the first trimester of pregnancy. 

Nice clear day in LA.

Our 1.75 hr drive in today was MUCH better than the 3.5 hr chaos of last week in the rain.  Apparently it was a holiday (Columbus Day)???  How come teachers don't get this holiday?  Oh well.  The weather was beautiful today and we passed by all the touristy sites like the Hollywood sign, capitol records, and Universal Studios. 

Dan eating donut holes.

Picking out a treat from our favorite bakery

After our appointment we did our traditional post Dr. visit food hunt in the Farmer's Market at The Grove in LA.  Today we had a few donut holes, a Greek spinach and feta flat bread, and few goodies from our favorite bakery to take home.  I also peeked into my favorite French goods store but resisted the fabulous cheese counter this visit.  =)  It was a great day all around and we were able to get home just after noon so we had a nice chunk of time to get some chores done.

Our Greek spinach and cheese flat bread.

The French Market

I just have to say it one more time. . .I can't wait for our transfer on Monday!!!  Thanks for all the well wishes and prayers.  God has indeed been good to us in provision and encouragement through friends and family. We will be spending the night before the transfer in a hotel near the doctor's office so we don't have to fight LA traffic the morning of the FET. I will be sure to keep you all updated on our transfer when I get back to our house that night.

Pregnancy Tests and Patrick Henry

This week I taught Patrick Henry's "Give me liberty, or give me death!" speech.  It is hard sometimes to passionately teach such amazing and historical works of art when your "audience" just turns to their neighbor and says (in a whiny, breathy voice), "This is soooo stupid."  Anyways, I digress. . . in Henry's speech he states his life philosophy, ". . .it is natural to man to indulge in the illusions of hope. We are apt to shut our eyes against a painful truth . . . For my part, whatever anguish of spirit it may cost, I am willing to know the whole truth; to know the worst, and to provide for it."  I had my students reflect in their journals on the wisdom or foolishness of Henry's philosophy and compare it to how they approach difficulty.  I don't think in this passage Henry intends to communicate that we should not ever hope.  Hope when put in the right place/being is a good thing.  Here he chides his fellow colonists for putting their hope in something that is not worthy of their trust- the English government.  He encourages them to be grounded in reality; to open their eyes to the "painful truth" that war with England is coming and they should begin amassing an American militia to prepare for this war. 
When I reflect on how this philosophy relates to our embryo adoption situation I can see how I have struggled at times to be hopeful.  I like Patrick Henry think it is better to know the WHOLE truth even if it hurts so that I can move on, fight it, get prepared, etc.  I find myself at times thinking, "I just wish I could get to the transfer and two-week wait so I can just know if this transfer will work or not."   True to form today Dan and I went to Dollar Tree to purchase gobs of pregnancy tests so that I can know of our transfer results (good or bad) as soon as possible.  I know though that the hope I do have for a successful transfer is not ill placed.  As a follower of Christ my eyes have been opened to the reality that our purpose in life is to serve a loving, just, merciful, and wise God and not to seek personal fulfillment.  Sometimes his plans for my life do not match my own plans.  He may choose to have us go through a painful situation or he may choose to give us the desires of our heart.  Either way I can have peace in knowing that the one whom I hope in, the one who is my source of hope in our embryo adoption, is one who is worthy of my trust.  No matter what happens with this transfer we are acting according to His purpose for our lives in pursuing parenthood and embryo adoption and He will sustain us in difficult times and rejoice with us in times of blessing. 

I feel like I have so many more thoughts on this matter.  I think my EA blog buddies, Aaron and Jennifer who are preparing for their third transfer with the NEDC (their first two transfers did not result in a pregnancy) have beautifully expressed in their posts "Moving Forward",  "Thoughts regarding our third transfer", and "Balancing our emotions with God's truth"  how Dan and I feel about our own infertility/embryo adoption experience in relation to our relationship with Christ.  Please pray for them and for Dan and I as we approach our transfers in the upcoming weeks!

Progress?

Last Monday Dr. K increased my delestrogen shots from .2cc to .3cc since my dosage was not helping the lining of my uterus grow.  Ever since my first .3cc shot I have had very noticeable side effects which I did not have when I was taking the .2cc shots so I am guessing that the delestrogen is doing its job and I will have a nice thick uterine lining on Monday and our transfer will not have to be postponed.  I already have my sub plans made for my students on the days I have to take off work so it would be great not to have to re-plan everything if we have to postpone.  Only 9 days left before our transfer!!  I feel excited and really positive.  I know there is a chance the transfer might not result in a pregnancy but until that time I am choosing to be optimistic and so thankful that God has FINALLY brought us to this exciting crossroads in our journey to parenthood. 

Mock Transfer Report

Today Dan and I made it through 3.5 hours of LA traffic in the rain (plus 2.5 hours on the way back) to the FET Dr.'s office for our mock transfer.  In the mock transfer he maps out my insides so he knows its shape and how far to place the embryos.   Good thing because apparently I have a very crooked uterus.  (TMI I know. . .)  Then he did an ultrasound and blood work to check the lining of my uterus to see if my meds are working.  The lining was not getting thick enough so we had to increase the dose of my delestrogen this week and we will check it again next Monday.  I did find out that if my lining is not the right thickness next week that my transfer may be delayed by one week.  We will know at the Oct. 11th appointment if Oct. 18th is still our transfer day.  If my lining is good next Monday we will begin our progesterone in oil (PIO) shots on Oct. 13th.  I will only have to take them once a day through the first trimester.  (Yea! because I thought I had to take them twice a day for some reason.)   Looking forward to meeting our babies in two weeks (hopefully)!  I hear that Dr. K will get a picture of the embryos before they are transferred.  Before we lost our baby in 2008 to miscarriage at six weeks we had gone to an Ob/Gyn for an ultrasound when I was having bleeding.  We got to see our baby before it died and she took it's picture and put it in our file.  I have always been glad that we got to see the picture of it but sad that we were not given that picture to keep.  I will be glad that we get to keep a picture of our embryos even if they don't make it to birth.  AND if the embryos do make it to birth that picture will be a powerful testament to the precious lives that they are.  Life begins as a small cluster of cells and grows to become a baby.  Amazing.

Oh to be a cat. . .

On this Saturday morning we are doing chores, taking care of important business, and I am working on grades for my students.  Doesn't my cat Figgy look extra comfy?  Dan's first time giving me my delestrogen shot on Thursday night went well.  It took us a while to actually do the shot.  I got nervous then Dan got nervous which made me more nervous but then he just did it and it was much easier than he thought it was going to be so we should be good for our next shot on Monday night.  Monday is our mock transfer and they will also make sure the shots are doing their job in getting my body ready for the transfer.  Only 16 days until our transfer!  I can't believe we are this close after 7 years of waiting to parents.  I am going to start filling my mp3 player with music that will help pass the time during the transfer.  I am also going to lots of spin classes and using my new Bosu before I have to go on bed rest  for several days after the transfer.  I already feel like a marshmallow from not working out like I usually do because I've been sick for the last three weeks.  I'll post again Monday night to give a report on our mock transfer. 

One Shot Down. . .Many More to Go. . .Hopefully!

Today I started my Delestrogen shots.  Our neighbor who is a nurse gave us a little lesson and gave me my first shot.  It was pretty painless and I have great confidence in Dan's shot giving abilities.  I am just trying to get good sleep, keep up with some exercise, and take my vitamins so I can get over my bad cold which is just lingering!  We are really looking forward to our transfer in three weeks!

Meds, Shot Lessons, and Face Time with Dr. K and Mrs. A

(FYI:  Details are provided for those extra interested in embryo adoption.)

Today we drove two hours to Dr. K's office to do our first of three pre-FET check ups.  He did an ultrasound to look at my insides and show me my ovaries - don't really know why.  Then they drew blood to check my estrogen levels and I found out later today that my levels are good.  Then we met with Mrs. A (the embryologist) and Dr. K (our FET Dr.) to discuss our embryos.  He told us that all of our embryos are expanding 5-day blasts and that each of them has around 35% chance of implanting and developing into a pregnancy.  He felt that the fact that they were expanding and from a very young egg donor they had a much higher chance of implantation.  They were graded 5AB, 5BB, 5BC, 5BC.  (The grading has to do with the quality of the embryos.  If you want to know more go here.)  I really don't care so much about the grading.  I mean every EA mom wants to hear "Your embryos look great!" but I've known EA moms who had great embryos and they didn't implant and others who had "poor" embryos and they are now cute little kids.  At this point we are just praying that all of our embabies make it out of the thaw and get a chance at life.

We did find out that all of our embryos are frozen individually.  This is REALLY great news for us because we have to decide how many embryos to transfer and embryos must be thawed the way they were frozen.  This gives us the option to thaw each embryo individually until we get two that survive to implant.  We won't have to thaw too many or too few.  We will only thaw enough to transfer two. 

Lastly, we scheduled my appointments that lead up to our transfer. (We go once a week.)  Then Mrs. A gave us a run down on the first two weeks of medication.  We will both take Doxa......pills (can't read her writing) twice a day for a week.  And next Monday I start my Delestrogen injections twice a week until further notice.  (Supposedly I will take these injections until several weeks after the embryos implant.)  We will find out more about my Progesterone(PIO) shots at my Oct. 4th appointment when I have my mock transfer.  The PIO shots are the ones that have to be taken daily I believe until the second trimester of pregnancy.  Dan feels pretty confident about giving me my shots.  I guess it pays to be married to an EMT.  I am pretty excited that our meds only cost $275.  We were expecting to pay up to $500 for those.  I suppose this might not be all of our meds.  We might have to order more if we stay pregnant.  Our big bill comes next appointment when we pay for our FET - $2200.  It's a lot of money but when you have waited almost 7 years to be a mom and dad another $2200 doesn't seem like such a big deal.

After our appointment we decided to have lunch at the Farmer's Market at the Grove in LA.  That place is so fun!!!  Today we decided to have Brazilian BBQ, Little John's English Toffee, and get some Moroccan olives and French cheese (Midnight Moon).  Then we scouted out what we will have for lunch on our next Dr. appointment day.  If we have to drive two hours each way to Dr. K's we might as well add in something extra fun right? 

Transfer Date - October 18th!

Yesterday I scheduled our embryo transfer with Dr. K.  We will go visit him on Monday to set our appointment dates, get my medication protocol, learn how to do the shots, and pick up our medications.  (I say "our" because Dan is going to have to help me with the shots.)   I am excited that we have an official date to look forward to although October 18th feels pretty far away.  I suppose at our appointment we will learn a bit more about our four embryos too.  We don't know how they are frozen yet but my best guess is that they are frozen in pairs.  Let's get this show on the road!!!