I was logging on to AOL this morning and a cover story entitled
"Tips for Facing Infertility During the Holidays" caught my eye. In the article a woman, who with her husband has been struggling with infertility for 6 years, describes how it is difficult to make it through the holidays without having children. She has dubbed the season "The Hellidays" and has started an Internet campaign called
"National Don't Send Me Christmas Cards with Photos of Your Kids on Them Month," on her blog, "Fertility Foibles.". She suggests that if your friends don't oblige then you should just throw their Christmas cards away without opening them. The article then gives some suggestions for us "infertiles" in how to make it through the holidays:
- Smooth talk: Find a subtle way to let family members know that, yes, you are trying, but you'd rather focus on enjoying the holiday instead of talking about it right now. If your relatives don't get the message -- we all have that sweet-but-a-little-obtuse aunt, right? -- think of a short answer to the question before heading to the party, so you won't be put on the spot with nothing to say. Be armed with other interesting news or information to share with your relatives, so you can give your answer to the baby question and then quickly turn the conversation in another direction.
- Ban the baby department: During shopping treks to the mall, steer clear of the baby section
- Home alone: Staying in is not always a bad option, as holiday gatherings typically revolve around children. Give yourself a break from the ongoing parties and celebrations that you are not ready to participate in.
- Start new traditions. Create a new or different holiday ritual with your partner or close friends or family members as a way of acknowledging the holidays in a lower key, comfortable manner.
- Create mantras: Couples struggling with fertility should create an arsenal of internal mantras: "I will not be childless forever." "I will have stories to share like this one day, too."
- Cry, baby: If all else fails, Burris recommends fleeing to the bathroom "for a good cry."
I noticed a trend in the suggestions to survive the holidays. Almost all suggestions, including the suggestion to ban family photo Christmas cards, assert that isolating yourself from things connected to children/pregnancy is good for you. Is isolation really the answer to dealing with the disappointment of not being able to have a family? The holiday season is difficult for me as an infertile, childless woman. Last year our pastors in advent sermons managed to mention the barrenness of Elizabeth (mother of John the Baptist) multiple times. We buy stocking and Christmas presents for our cats and dog instead of our own children. The holiday season is also the anniversary of the loss of our only pregnancy. It marks another year that we haven't been able to conceive and our adoption hasn't yet helped expand our family. I have my sad moments. Then I think of all of the experiences that I would miss out on if I was so self-focused that I just decided to not go where children are or read the Christmas cards of my friends and family. I don't want my infertility to hurt Dan and I any more than it has. It has robbed us of many years we might have had children but it will not rob us of the joyful experience of living in community by playing with our wonderful nephews, or spending time with families from church and work, or experiencing the magic of holding a newborn baby, or giving back by working in the nursery when they need a little extra help. The movie Amazing Grace is one my most favorite films. In this film one of the main characters states, "It seems to me, that if there is a bad taste in your mouth, you spit it out. You don't constantly swallow it back.
" One of the dangers of infertility is that it can leave a bad taste in your mouth. It can make you incredibly bitter, IF YOU LET IT. Infertility hurts. It is very painful, and the wounds are deep. But if you spend your life focused on your pain you will miss out on all the wonderful things in the world. . . including babies, children, families, cute Santa onsies in the store, and so many other things and experiences. "Spitting out" the bad taste of infertility for me has been many things: writing in this blog, sharing my emotions and experiences with close family and friends, focusing on the blessings in my life like being able to travel and run in crazy races, but most of all realizing that my joy and value as a person is not founded in my fertility but rather in the fact that I am a loved and desired creation of God. My infertility is part of me but it doesn't define me. My Grandma Joyce used to tell us when we were small kids that we needed to weed out the root of bitterness in our hearts before it overtakes the beauty of our "garden". I have prayed many times for God to change my emotions and my views of things that could steal my joy and grow my bitterness. The miracle of my life is that my prayer to become a mom is not yet answered but I am free from the burden of bitterness and isolation and not on my own merit. My joy comes from a source outside of myself. "The joy of the Lord is my strength." Nehemiah 8:10
