Mother / Daughter Photo Shoot 2013

This one is my favorite.

I picked up a Groupon for a JC Penny photo shoot and while Lena wasn't super happy that day we did manage to get a few good shots and few funny and memorable ones.  All of the good shots were literally taken in the first 60 seconds of the photo shoot.

We always get one good tongue shot!

This one makes me laugh so hard.  Lena was screaming her head off, she was so mad at me.

It is starting to feel like a long, long time...

It has been almost two years since I was last very pregnant and it is starting to feel like it has been a long, long time since then.   The old strong sad feelings of infertility have been plaguing me lately.  I notice pregnant women everywhere, newborn babies look so incredibly and yet painfully adorable, I add in my head a list of friends, family members, and acquaintances who have "lapped me" with another pregnancy since Lena has been born.

The most painful thing to an infertile woman is not the image of a friend or family member doting on their new baby or showing off a cute pregnant belly or the latest ultrasound picture on Facebook;  it is witnessing the mistreatment of a child by an ungrateful parent.  It happened to me the other day and I just wanted to slap the parents in the face and hold them down until they understood what a gift and a miracle the life of each child truly is.

All this, it's not really about fairness or jealousy; it is about a longing I have deep within.  It is different this time around though.  I am a mom.  Boy that feels good to say.  Life is full, fast, and busy and it leaves little time to languish in the longing.

Lord, fill me up with your love, contentment, and thankfulness.

OPEN FOR BUSINESS!!!

If you want to know what I'm selling in these boxes come visit my EBAY store!

FINALLY my EBAY store is open for business today!  I have been gathering items from our house and things that friends and family members have donated.  I have prepped them, boxed them, weighed and measured them, researched them, and I am slowly adding several items to my store everyday.  Right now I have Pottery Barn Kids stuff listed and some cloth diapers but I am adding clothing items, sporting goods, other baby items, tools, electronics, etc. in the coming days.  In less than a month we will have to pay another $2500 to do our 5th embryo transfer and also we will have to spend several hundred more to restock our meds.  If you would like to help us meet our financial goals visit our EBAY store or if you are local you can donate items for me to list in my store.  All of the profits go directly into our adoption fund bank account.  Thanks everyone!

VISIT THE SHACK FAMILY EBAY STORE!

Long Beach Tri 2013

Long Beach Triathlon 2013 Official Results

Finish Time 1:46:52

Swim- 21:45 T1- 4:01 Bike- 4352 T2- 1:51 Run- 35:25

Placed 9/17 Athenas and 516/610 overall

Just finished a .5 mile swim, 11 mile bike ride, and 3 mile run!

Today I finished my third Long Beach Sprint Triathlon and I raced to a personal record by 5 minutes!  After having been on a "no exercise" order for over two weeks I tried to make the most of the 10 days I had to prepare for the triathlon since I didn't sign up until I found out I wasn't pregnant.  I had to rely on muscle memory and was able to pack on some muscle and lose over a percent of body fat before the race.  Whenever Dan and I come to a difficult point in our infertility/adoption journey I react in one of two ways:  take a fabulous and exotic vacation or compete in a physically changing race.  It feels good to be able to do things that I generally wouldn't be able to do if I were pregnant.

Beautiful pre-race sunrise!

We arrived in Long Beach in the dark early morning hours and watched a beautiful sunrise as I headed out to the starting line.  Unlike last year's rough surf and thick fog, the ocean water was glassy and the skies were clear.  Dan was my cheer/support squad this year and did a great job motivating me and taking pictures.

Dan, my biggest fan!

The swim went well although I realized that I need to swim closer to the pylons.  Towards the end of the .5 mile swim I swam right into a huge kelp bed and totally freaked out.  The lifeguard on the surfboard next to me must have gotten a good laugh as I screamed "Eweee!  Gross!   Yuck!"  Given the better swim conditions I did finish the swim 3-4 minutes faster than last year.

Traditional pre-race warrior pose!

Right before the race start!

I raced in the Athena/Clydesdale division again this year which I love!  I would say that the majority of the competitors at this race were young in-shape people in their 20s.  It was fun to race with a huge variety of people who are just out there to set goals and accomplish them.  

I was able to improve my transition time from the swim to the bike by a whole minute which was something that I had focused on.  The run from the beach to the transition area through heavy sand is one of the more difficult parts of the triathlon.  

The bike portion of the race was my biggest improvement.  I completed it two minutes faster than last year.  Dan had taken me to work the hills in Chino Hills and I want to do some more hill work to improve my bike time even more next time.  

I did not complete any training runs or practice swims before this triathlon and I could tell.  I was in good physical condition because of my work in bootcamp but I lacked the endurance that I needed to improve my time in that area.  I did feel MUCH better physically than my 3 mile run in last year's triathlon and I probably could have pushed myself a little harder.  I competed 50 pounds lighter than what I weighed in last year's triathlon.  I wore the same trisuit - check out my comparison pics:

Long Beach Tri 2013 - 194 lbs

Long Beach Tri 2012 - 245 lbs

Miss Lena stayed with Grandma and Grandpa since she wasn't feeling too well with a cold.  When I got home from the race she loved wearing my new race medal.  I am excited that I was able to meet my goal to set a personal record today and to have a fun experience in the midst of a personal trial.  (I miscarried our little baby from our August transfer the day before the race.)  I am looking forward to being in Long Beach again next month to race the Long Beach Half Marathon.  Time to start putting some miles on my new Nike's!

BETA #2 Results

I had to call Dr. K's office to get my results.  It was almost the close of the work day and I didn't want to endure the waiting any longer.  Mrs. A the coordinator talked with me to let me know that my HCG went down from 15 to 0 so there is definitely no babies this time.  I can't say that I am very surprised.  The stretching ballooning feeling I was having 4-5 days ago completely disappeared a few days ago and a few other HPTs that were more sensitive than the Dollar Tree brand came back totally negative.  I am just glad to have closure on this FET.  I am super sad about losing four more of Lena's genetic siblings.  We only have one embryo left from her match- a blast that we refroze after it was thawed and grown out from Lena's FET in 2011.  We also have two blasts from our Snowflakes match.  We will likely use these three embryos in our next FET which will likely be sometime in October.  If that FET is unsuccessful we will then jump back on our clinic's waiting list to adopt more donated embryos.  I confirmed with Mrs. A that this option is definitely a possibility for us.  Thanks for all the kind words and prayers for our family and our babies.  It meant so much to know that people were praying for us, encouraging us, (and some of you) sharing your own similar experiences and losses.  I am sad but also ready to bring our last three embryos to life as soon as my body is ready.  In the mean time to cope I will:

1.  Enjoy life with my beautiful miracle daughter and loving husband. 
2.  Return to bootcamp - TONIGHT!  I feel like such a wimpy marshmallow!
3.  Race in the Long Beach sprint distance triathlon on September 8.  (I already registered..)
4.  Run the Long Beach Half Marathon on October 13 with Team Mike!
5.  Begin fundraising for FET #5 - I listed tons of stuff on Craigslist today, I also listed a new timeshare week for rent on Redweek.com (you may have to create a free account to view it), we are having a garage sale on Saturday, and I have tons of stuff to post in my EBAY store which will reopen soon. 

To God be the glory in all things.  The miracle in this is not a baby, but that in the loss I don't feel bitter or angry. 

No Results Today

My new lab slip from Dr. K's office didn't come in the mail yesterday which means I can't do my blood test this morning as planned.  I will try to go after I get home from teaching if possible;  if not then I will just do the blood draw tomorrow morning.  Either way, there will be no results today. 

Official Results: Still Hope for a Miracle

I finally got a call from Dr. K's office a few hours ago.  The nurse told me that my HCG level came back at a low positive of 15.  Dr. K wants me to keep taking my injections and take another blood test on Tuesday.  He will be looking to see that my HCG level doubles every 48 hours which would mean they are looking for an HCG level of at least 60. 

My greatest hope is that my HCG level is explained by our one embryo that was "slow growing but looked great" according to the embryologist on transfer day.  It was a 2PN (18 hour old embryo) that grew to only 10 cells by transfer day.  Most grow to be at least 100 cells.  The embryologist said that it looked good and was definitely growing but just very slowly.  Perhaps our little slow grower is still growingly slowly in my belly.  We'll see on Tuesday.

Little "Pokey" our slow grower!

I never got a positive pregnancy test because I was using Dollar Tree brand tests that only read pregnancy if the HCG level is 50 or higher.  Here is a neat website I found that tells what the HCG levels are for various tests on the market:  CLICK HERE

I should swear off home tests at this point but I won't. I bought a few from CVS that measure HCG levels of 25 and higher.  I will take one tomorrow to see where we are at. 

Who wants to pray for a miracle with us?  Grow baby grow!