Yesterday was not a good day in our adoption journey. I will spare all the details but basically after having our profile for nearly three weeks the donor family said, "We don't want to decide about this right now."
Then our Snowflakes coordinator wanted to know if we wanted to be sent out to a new family with 13 3-day embryos and I didn't know what to say at first. All along our doctor and research have said that we should try to adopt blasts (5-6 days old). But is adopting 13 3-day embryos the same as adopting 4 blasts?
We approach embryo adoption from two perspectives: a childless couple who wants to give a home to unwanted embryos and give them a chance at life AND a childless couple who has waited over six years to have kids and doesn't want to spend their $10,000 on embryos that are not "viable". I think every EA coordinator should have to read the blogs of women who have gone through multiple miscarriages and failed FETs so that they can better understand why some of us have anxiety about picking the right embryos.
We told our coordinator to look for a family with blasts even if they come from embryos created with donor eggs. To be honest I am not sure that is the right answer. I feel tired of making these life altering decisions without all of the information. One thing that we have never accepted about Snowflakes is that they believe that all embryos deserve a chance at life (at the emotional and financial expense of the adopting couple) and don't think that the adopting couple should see any information about the embryos until the match is sent out and approved by the donor family. I think that if our coordinator can't find embryos that match our criteria we should be notified so that WE can tell her which criteria we should relax or give up.
We feel really dejected and jaded right now about adoption. I never imagined that it would be so bumpy and emotionally difficult. We are too financially invested in Snowflakes to change our plan now and in all honesty I don't see an alternative that would be any easier or less costly. If adoption is likened to our salvation in Christ (see Russell Moore's Adopted for Life) then this must be our "Gethsemane" moment - when we consider the cost of adoption (emotionally, physically, and financially) and we cry out to God "Isn't there any other way?"
14 comments:
Oh, Elizabeth I grieve with you. Thank you for being honest about what you are going through. I hope this doesn't come across like a platitude, but I think, even with emotions laid bare, you are brave and courageous. Thinking of you and hurting with you.
I am so, so sorry!!! You are correct... this is not easy- even when it seemed easy in our case, boy did our situation take a turn for the worst!!!! I wish I had a dollar for each time I said or thought, "That with which doesn't kill us, makes us stronger..." Many times lately, I have wondered if this was going to kill us, guess what??? We are still alive...
It is my understanding that using donor eggs is actually "better" because the donor most likely did not have infertility issues as the female member of a couple going through IVF probably did... also most egg donors are younger, so you have all of those advantages as well...any way, my girls have an egg donor as their genetic mom.
Hugs!!!
City Jen
We were told at our initial appt with the NEDC that they have had successful thaws/transfers/pregnancies with all stages of embryos and that we should not make our decisions based on that. They let the earlier stage embryos thaw and divide for a day or two before the transfer so they end up being as far along as the blasts are. I don't know if Snowflakes does the same thing. I'm sorry you guys are having to go through this. I understand about being emotionally invested in it. Just remember, God is in control and will lead you to YOUR babies in His timing. Praying for you!
I have also heard from the NEDC that Frozen Embryo developmental stages bear no weight on pregnancy and births. They explained that in a "fresh" IVF cycle, blasts often do implant easier. However, blasts do not freeze as well as younger 2-4 day embryos. The NEDC staff said that younger embryos have better thaw rates than blasts do. They also told us they have equal pregnancies from both younger embryos & blasts, so not to let that be a deciding factor for us.
And most importantly, all embryos/blasts are children who need a chance at birth and God will do what He wants to do. Their stage of development will have nothing to do with whether or not they survive - They are totally in His hands!
So be encouraged that whomever you adopt is God's will - You can't go wrong or thwart God's beautiful story for your family! :)
Nothing like hearing from those who have been there.
Praying for you both so much! One of your posts ended 'Good Grief' and I thought how true that is that despite grieving and trials God IS good. It is who He is and can be nothing but Good. We love you and will pray while you are 'in your garden of Gethsemane'
oh Elizabeth - my heart hurts for you.
All the previous comments sound so encouraging and offer hope in regards to 'future' embryos. I agree with your mom that there is something really comforting about hearing from those who have been there before.
I, too, grieve with you guys, and I hope you both know how much we love you.
I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you and I am so sorry that this has been so hard.
My doctor told us that that embryos created from the eggs of an egg are, without a doubt, much healthier than those created from a woman who struggled with infertility. He said that if we had the option of adopting egg donor embryos to absolutely do it. So, my embryos have an egg donor for a genetic mom as well, we adopted 22 of them! I say go for the thirteen snowflakes!
I hope this works out for you really soon!
I'm so sorry that it has been such a difficult process for you.
We went with the first embryos we were given to look at (the donor couple had already picked us, so there was no waiting for us to find out if they agreed). We adopted 12 embryos--9 at the 2PN stage (earliest recognizable stage of fertilization) and 3 blasts. The embryologist at the NEDC told us that even if blasts are available they still use the 2PN's first--and have great success with them.
For our first transfer they thawed 3 of the 2PN's and all survived the thaw perfectly and by day three were right on with 8 cells. That transfer resulted in our daughter. And for our second transfer, I think you had been following along with that one--3 2PN's were thawed, 2 survived, one with 8 cells and the other with 10.
Anyway, the problem is none of this is an exact science. I think the best way you can make an informed decision is to look at your clinics stats, because every clinic is different. Some have better freeze/thaw rates, some have better success with 2PN's and some have better success with blasts. So, what you really need to know is where your clinics strengths are. I didn't even know to look into any of this when we first decided on our embryos, and I think I'm glad--ignorance is bliss. After talking with the NEDC embryologist, although I don't know the exact stats, it seems that they have a really great thaw rate and I know that they have a much higher than average overall success rate (high 40's% compared to low 30's%)--even with their 2PN preference. Clinics just do what works best for them. And, since this isn't an exact science, even if an transfer results in pregnancy, there are still no guarantees and it doesn't matter at that point if they were 2PN, 3 day or blasts at the time of thaw or transfer.
I'm probably just adding more confusion for you, but I really think that your decision on the stage of embryos you adopt should be dependent on your clinics stats. So, if your embryologist is more comfortable with blasts, then I would look for blasts too.
Embryos created with donor eggs is also a great option--they are usually younger eggs, which means less chance of chromosomal problems (miscarriage included). Our embryos were created with 36 year old eggs and I worry about that. For me, that would be a bigger concern then the stage the embryos were frozen at. They can always grow the embryos to blast for your transfer and thaw more if there are some that didn't make it that far without added expense, right? There is nothing you can do about bad eggs.
I cannot tell you how many times I've wondered if there was another way. First was after we lost Makenzie and figured out that traditional adoption wasn't going to work for us--EA seemed like a long shot, but really the only shot. Then, taking all the meds for the first transfer and how crappy they made me feel. Then there was the pokes with the humungous needle while waiting to see if the transfer worked. And still, while I was pregnant, still getting jabbed with the huge needles, not entirely convinced that the pregnancy was going to result in an actual baby. The whole process sucks. But, then my baby was born. After a stay in the NICU, she was healthy and she was ours. Finally a healthy baby. And, while I still wished that there was another way, I'd go through all the stress and anxiety and waiting all over again--because I know that it was all worth it.
I totally understand your desire to pick the right embryos. This whole process is hard enough and it would be nice to feel like you are doing everything you can to ensure success. Success can, and does, come from less than perfect embryos too, though.
I hope you find a match soon. Everything you're going through will all be so worth it. Keep your eye on the prize.
Shackletons we are praying for you and grieving with you. We love you both
-Stuart and Mary
Hi you! I sent you an e-mail yesterday. I hope it was encouraging and didn't upset you. It is so hard when it is delivered by e-mail and not in person. I am still praying for you!
p.s. I just read through your comments. YOu have a lot of people who love you, are full of great information, and are here to cheer you on. Lots of love coming your way E!
Just sending you some hugs, Elizabeth! I share your frustration and I hope things turn around soon!
~Praying for you.~
Post a Comment