Survival Mode

The past few weeks have been hard.  We were grieving the loss of Baby A, trying to stay positive about Baby B, extremely busy at work, and trying to just stay afloat physically and emotionally.  Because of my job, this time of year is already pretty stressful, add a late Easter break, measurably less support from my bosses at work, dealing with pregnancy symptoms, and dealing with our loss (which impacted me WAY more than I ever thought)  I am simply exhausted in every way.  And yet I survive.  Things will work out.  And today was a great first full day of relaxed vacation.  Tomorrow is Easter and we will spend it with family at the beach in gorgeous Newport Coast.  There is much to be thankful for.  And. . . have I mentioned that I married the most loving, thoughtful, and patient man?  Dan is my rock and I love that I can depend on him no matter what.  I can't even bear to list the horrible, awful chores he did for me this week without complaining once:

1.  Cleaned out the overfull cat box. (Which he HATES to do.)
2.  Helped me purchase $600 worth of "stuff" for my AP students for their goody bags and then spent his day off stuffing 215 goody bags.
3.  He drove over a hour each way back to our house when we finally got to our beach destination because I only packed our needles and the bottles of meds got left at home.
4.  He did the dishes more than once.
5.  He gives me back rubs even when HE is the one who has a bad back.
6.  He gives me my shots everyday even though he doesn't like doing it.  He even apologizes when it hurts even though it is not his fault if it hurts.
7.  He prays for us.
8.  He texts me during the day to find out how I am doing and when I am doing bad he calls me and listens to me cry.
9.  When I couldn't find enough parents and college students to proctor AP exams in May he quickly volunteered himself and his two other friends who are off on Mondays to proctor on their day off after working four ten-hour shifts.
10.  He hugs me and tells me he loves me ALL the time.

I told you he is the best!  Infertility and crisis in general can be hard on a marriage. but with Dan and I it has brought us closer and closer.  I am so thankful to the Lord for that gift.

On a side note:  our next ultrasound is coming up on Wednesday.  I am 50% excited for it and 50% dreading it which sort of equals out to this numb feeling that I've been having about our pregnancy.  I just don't want to get too excited.  Honestly, that last ultrasound really dealt a blow to my usual optimism.  I think I've been coping by burying myself in my work (easy to do) and trying not to dwell on it.  If I talk about it too much I either get sad or angry or both.  I don't know when I will feel the confidence to be fully excited and happy about Baby B.  I pray soon.  As Dan said the other day, "We have to have faith because living in fear is no way to live life."