Did you know that we are Dutch?

 (Dan cheering on his Dutch brethren against Japan in the World Cup!)

Well. . .Dan is anyways.  His Grandma Lena Chessie (Dykstra) Shackleton was from Holland.  Ironically, Dan has never been to Holland but I have in the mid 90s.  Dan has always embraced his Dutch heritage and has recently been sporting his Dutch soccer threads to show off his Dutch football pride!  I think he looks naturally good in orange.

Nederland Gaat! 
(Go Netherlands!)

One Year Anniversary!

Today marks one year since I began to change my lifestyle and work for a healthier version of myself.  Here are some of my celebrations:

- I have lost 60 pounds ( 21% of my body weight)
- A quick and easy run is a 5k
- I no longer snore!  (Dan really likes this one.)
- My cholesterol is 151
- I am down almost 10 points on my BMI and have lost at least 12% body fat
- I can wear my wedding dress again (and yes I really did try it on the other day- silly but fun!)
- I've learned that going for a long walk, doing yoga, or going to spin class is a much better way to de-stress than sitting on the couch eating junk food.
- I can sit at an Angels baseball game and in an airplane seat soooo much more comfortably.
- I have muscles. . . that you can see!

While I still have some work to do I take joy in the small victories along the way.  Thank you to my family, friends, and training partners who have encouraged me and worked out with me.

Blessings Abound

In these last few weeks I have been reminded of the good things in our lives as Dan and I have had wonderful time together with friends and time alone on several special dates.  We have been the recipient of words of encouragement and love.  We have been reminded of the blessing of friends, family and community.  Thank you Jesus for these blessings and for reminding me that a joyful heart is a gift and happiness is a choice.

(Me and my favorite blessing.)

Another "NO" and some thoughts about EA

**WARNING: THIS IS NOT A HAPPY POST**

Yesterday was not a good day in our adoption journey.  I will spare all the details but basically after having our profile for nearly three weeks the donor family said, "We don't want to decide about this right now."

Then our Snowflakes coordinator wanted to know if we wanted to be sent out to a new family with 13 3-day embryos and I didn't know what to say at first.  All along our doctor and research have said that we should try to adopt blasts (5-6 days old).  But is adopting 13 3-day embryos the same as adopting 4 blasts?

We approach embryo adoption from two perspectives:  a childless couple who wants to give a home to unwanted embryos and give them a chance at life AND a childless couple who has waited over six years to have kids and doesn't want to spend their $10,000 on embryos that are not "viable".  I think every EA coordinator should have to read the blogs of women who have gone through multiple miscarriages and  failed FETs so that they can better understand why some of us have anxiety about picking the right embryos. 

We told our coordinator to look for a family with blasts even if they come from embryos created with donor eggs.  To be honest I am not sure that is the right answer.  I feel tired of making these life altering decisions without all of the information.  One thing that we have never accepted about Snowflakes is that they believe that all embryos deserve a chance at life (at the emotional and financial expense of the adopting couple) and don't think that the adopting couple should see any information about the embryos until the match is sent out and approved by the donor family.  I think that if our coordinator can't find embryos that match our criteria we should be notified so that WE can tell her which criteria we should relax or give up.

We feel really dejected and jaded right now about adoption.  I never imagined that it would be so bumpy and emotionally difficult.  We are too financially invested in Snowflakes to change our plan now and in all honesty I don't see an alternative that would be any easier or less costly.  If adoption is likened to our salvation in Christ (see Russell Moore's Adopted for Life) then this must be our "Gethsemane" moment - when we consider the cost of adoption (emotionally, physically, and financially) and we cry out to God "Isn't there any other way?"

"I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord."  Ps. 27:13

Rematching Begins (plus updates)

Today we heard that a new donor family is viewing our profile.  Actually, they have had it since Tuesday the 27th and have until this Saturday to decide if we are the family for their 9 blasts.  We are so thankful that our Snowflakes coordinator is doing an awesome job trying to rematch us quickly.  If the family declines our profile or if they don't let our coordinator know by Saturday she will send us out to a new family for consideration.  We are trusting God to give us just the right match for us.  Thank you for your kind words of encouragement as we dealt with the disappointment of our failed first match.  We feel your prayers and my heart has been much lighter in the last few days.  Hope is good.

UPDATE - Sat. May 8th
We didn't hear anything this week from our Snowflakes coordinator which means that she didn't hear from the donor family and today was their deadline.  We will call on Monday to find out exactly what is going on but most likely we will be sent out to another donor family on Monday. 

UPDATE - Mon. May 10th
No news from Snowflakes today.  We called our coordinator but did not get a return call.  She must be hosting an event or seminar today.  Maybe news tomorrow.

UPDATE - Tue. May 11th
We heard that our coordinator called and emailed the donor family that has our profile today.  She has not heard from them.  We will wait until Thursday.  If she doesn't hear from them by then our profile will be sent out to another family.  

UPDATE - Thur. May 13th
Well I called Snowflakes today and our coordinator still had not heard from the family that has our profile.  She gave them a call and the family is on a trip.  There was a lot of noise and the conversation basically went like this, "Hi M-----, we have been out of town and will be back tomorrow.  I will call you tomorrow (Friday) about our decision."  M answers, "I don't work on Fridays so give me a call on Saturday."  So guess what everybody???  We will wait until Saturday to hear if this family has chosen us or not.  Not to be pessimistic but I am thinking that they will say "no thanks" to us.  Who waits to tell good news?  How hard is it to say, "We've been out of town but we like the family and I will give you more details on Saturday?"  People don't postpone good news they only wait to tell bad news.  So for the first time in a long time I am not optimistic.  (Deep down I think I still am a little hopeful.)  If (or when) they say no on Saturday then our profile will be sent out to a new family.  Well that is the plan for today anyways.  Good grief!

Book Nook and Picture Lights

This past weekend I reorganized our library bookshelves and moved all of our children's literature to a special corner nook in our living room.  The little stool is Dan's from when he was little.   We will probably use it as a "naughty" chair but for now I picture our nephews or our future little ones sitting on that stool pouring through the many books I've collected over the years. 

I have NEVER been a fan of overhead lighting.  I much prefer the cozy softness of indirect lighting.  So Dan put up my picture light on our Lombard Street Kinkade that we bought on our honeymoon in Maui.  This painting always reminds me of visiting my Grandma Hurst in San Francisco.  Dad would always drive us down Lombard Street in our huge fifteen passenger green Dodge van.  Good times!

Fatally Optimistic

Through our infertility and adoption journey I have come to realize that against my own will and better judgment I have been "gifted" with extreme optimism.