Another "NO" and some thoughts about EA

**WARNING: THIS IS NOT A HAPPY POST**

Yesterday was not a good day in our adoption journey.  I will spare all the details but basically after having our profile for nearly three weeks the donor family said, "We don't want to decide about this right now."

Then our Snowflakes coordinator wanted to know if we wanted to be sent out to a new family with 13 3-day embryos and I didn't know what to say at first.  All along our doctor and research have said that we should try to adopt blasts (5-6 days old).  But is adopting 13 3-day embryos the same as adopting 4 blasts?

We approach embryo adoption from two perspectives:  a childless couple who wants to give a home to unwanted embryos and give them a chance at life AND a childless couple who has waited over six years to have kids and doesn't want to spend their $10,000 on embryos that are not "viable".  I think every EA coordinator should have to read the blogs of women who have gone through multiple miscarriages and  failed FETs so that they can better understand why some of us have anxiety about picking the right embryos. 

We told our coordinator to look for a family with blasts even if they come from embryos created with donor eggs.  To be honest I am not sure that is the right answer.  I feel tired of making these life altering decisions without all of the information.  One thing that we have never accepted about Snowflakes is that they believe that all embryos deserve a chance at life (at the emotional and financial expense of the adopting couple) and don't think that the adopting couple should see any information about the embryos until the match is sent out and approved by the donor family.  I think that if our coordinator can't find embryos that match our criteria we should be notified so that WE can tell her which criteria we should relax or give up.

We feel really dejected and jaded right now about adoption.  I never imagined that it would be so bumpy and emotionally difficult.  We are too financially invested in Snowflakes to change our plan now and in all honesty I don't see an alternative that would be any easier or less costly.  If adoption is likened to our salvation in Christ (see Russell Moore's Adopted for Life) then this must be our "Gethsemane" moment - when we consider the cost of adoption (emotionally, physically, and financially) and we cry out to God "Isn't there any other way?"

"I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord."  Ps. 27:13

Rematching Begins (plus updates)

Today we heard that a new donor family is viewing our profile.  Actually, they have had it since Tuesday the 27th and have until this Saturday to decide if we are the family for their 9 blasts.  We are so thankful that our Snowflakes coordinator is doing an awesome job trying to rematch us quickly.  If the family declines our profile or if they don't let our coordinator know by Saturday she will send us out to a new family for consideration.  We are trusting God to give us just the right match for us.  Thank you for your kind words of encouragement as we dealt with the disappointment of our failed first match.  We feel your prayers and my heart has been much lighter in the last few days.  Hope is good.

UPDATE - Sat. May 8th
We didn't hear anything this week from our Snowflakes coordinator which means that she didn't hear from the donor family and today was their deadline.  We will call on Monday to find out exactly what is going on but most likely we will be sent out to another donor family on Monday. 

UPDATE - Mon. May 10th
No news from Snowflakes today.  We called our coordinator but did not get a return call.  She must be hosting an event or seminar today.  Maybe news tomorrow.

UPDATE - Tue. May 11th
We heard that our coordinator called and emailed the donor family that has our profile today.  She has not heard from them.  We will wait until Thursday.  If she doesn't hear from them by then our profile will be sent out to another family.  

UPDATE - Thur. May 13th
Well I called Snowflakes today and our coordinator still had not heard from the family that has our profile.  She gave them a call and the family is on a trip.  There was a lot of noise and the conversation basically went like this, "Hi M-----, we have been out of town and will be back tomorrow.  I will call you tomorrow (Friday) about our decision."  M answers, "I don't work on Fridays so give me a call on Saturday."  So guess what everybody???  We will wait until Saturday to hear if this family has chosen us or not.  Not to be pessimistic but I am thinking that they will say "no thanks" to us.  Who waits to tell good news?  How hard is it to say, "We've been out of town but we like the family and I will give you more details on Saturday?"  People don't postpone good news they only wait to tell bad news.  So for the first time in a long time I am not optimistic.  (Deep down I think I still am a little hopeful.)  If (or when) they say no on Saturday then our profile will be sent out to a new family.  Well that is the plan for today anyways.  Good grief!

Book Nook and Picture Lights

This past weekend I reorganized our library bookshelves and moved all of our children's literature to a special corner nook in our living room.  The little stool is Dan's from when he was little.   We will probably use it as a "naughty" chair but for now I picture our nephews or our future little ones sitting on that stool pouring through the many books I've collected over the years. 

I have NEVER been a fan of overhead lighting.  I much prefer the cozy softness of indirect lighting.  So Dan put up my picture light on our Lombard Street Kinkade that we bought on our honeymoon in Maui.  This painting always reminds me of visiting my Grandma Hurst in San Francisco.  Dad would always drive us down Lombard Street in our huge fifteen passenger green Dodge van.  Good times!

Fatally Optimistic

Through our infertility and adoption journey I have come to realize that against my own will and better judgment I have been "gifted" with extreme optimism.

Favorite Things: Pedal Spin Studio

I LOVE SPINNING!!!

My brother and sister-in-law (Hi guys!)  introduced me to spinning at 24 hr fitness last August.  I liked it.  It was definitly a great workout.  When Groupon featured Pedal Spin Studio, a local business dedicated soley to the art of spinning, I decided to try it out since it was such a great deal ($5 a class) and I needed a boost in my workout routine.  You can burn from 600-1000 calories per class!!!  We let me say it only took one class to hook me.  When we arrive we all climb on the bikes and start spinning to warm up our muscles.  Then our instructor walks around and greets us and the lights dim, the stage lights and music turn on, and the work begins.  Every class is different depending on the type of class and instructor.  My favorites are race day (where we simulate a bike race going up hills and coasting down winding roads and then "passing" each other with breakaways) and pedal party (where we spin to exciting dance music and do all sorts of muscle toning moves).  I've been going 1-2 times per week since the middle of March and I look forward to every class.  I've never been very big on group exercise so I was kind of surprised that I love it as much as I do.  For those of you who are having a tough time picturing what spinning is, here is a picture of my spinning studio:

I am making progress!!!

Disappointing News

Dan and I received a call from Snowflakes this morning.  Our coordinator told us that our donor family cannot bring themselves to sign the contract and they have called the adoption off.  They know they don't want more children, they know they want to adopt the embryos, they know Dan and I would be great parents but signing the contract is too emotionally difficult for them right now and they don't want to hold us back any longer. 

We are sad.  We are sad that we will have to wait even longer now to be parents, sad for our donor family who is in such an emotionally difficult situation, sad that they can't bring themselves to do what their heart knows is right, sad for their four embryos that will have to stay frozen even longer.  I praise God that our hearts are not bitter about this bad news and please join us in asking God to continue to protect our hearts from that awful dark place.  Every time something painful like this happens it gets a little harder the next time something good happens to be fully happy. 

I have asked our coordinator to let us know if by some miracle our donor family changes their mind and in the meantime she is going to look for a new family to match us with. 

Two Kinds of Waiting

Who ever said "silence is golden" has clearly not waited to hear from their donor family for three weeks!!!

Wish I had exciting news to share with you all.  When Dan and I attended Grace Caring (the adoption ministry at our church) on Monday night it became glaringly obvious to me in hearing the stories of other adopting families that waiting is one of the most difficult parts of the process.  It is one thing that we all had in common.  The hardest kind of waiting is waiting for the unknown.  As a marathon finisher I have known what it is like to push through difficulty.  I understand well the meaning of the word perseverence.  The difference in our infertility/adoption journey is that we don't have a finishline.  In the marathon you know you are done at 26.2 miles and you will be able to stop running and rest.  I always finish my hard workouts really strong because I push for that finishline.  (This is how I know I am an athlete deep down inside.) 

With adoption I've had to alter my approach to waiting.  I can't set a finishline because someone or something will just move it.  I have to keep moving one day at a time trusting that God is leading us closer to where we are supposed to be.  There is this poem that I teach my American literature class by Emily Dickinson that speaks of this type of waiting.  It is nice to know that Dan and I are not alone in our waiting.  Emily D. and all of you are sharing our experience through your own waiting.  We are all waiting for something at some point in our lives, right?  Thank you for walking with us in our seemingly never-ending period of waiting.  Who knows, tomorrow may be full of good news and bright hope!

If you were coming in the fall,
I'd brush the summer by
With half a smile and half a spurn,
As housewives do a fly.


If I could see you in a year,
I'd wind the months in balls,
And put them each in separate drawers,
Until their time befalls.


If only centuries delayed,
I'd count them on my hand,
Subtracting till my fingers dropped
Into Van Diemens land.


If certain, when this life was out,
That yours and mine should be,
I'd toss it yonder like a rind,
And taste eternity.


But now, all ignorant of the length
Of time's uncertain wing,
It goads me, like the goblin bee,
That will not state its sting.


-Emily Dickinson