Out where we live in dairy country, our neighborhood is surrounded by large pens of dairy cows. On the street nearest to our house is one of the many birthing pens where the dairy farmers put all the pregnant cows in one place. I often drive by this birthing pen or walk by on my way to the nearby dog park. The past three years since we moved here I often had mixed emotions when I would see this pen full of pregnant or new mommy cows. I would coo and sigh at the site of a new shinny baby calf in the pen but then a sadness would set in. I actually felt jealous of all of these cows that seemed to endlessly get pregnant and give birth to their young - something I could not do. I consider it a low point in my fertility story that I actually harbored jealous feelings towards pregnant cows. It was a constant visual and auditory reminder (because you could hear them moo like crazy from our house when they are in labor) of my inability to create a family for Dan and I.
Similarly, we had our beautiful dog Jersey spayed a few years ago. Then and now I often look at her and feel guilt and sadness. I willingly took away her fertility. She is such a beautiful and good-natured dog that I feel sad there won't be anymore Jerseys in the world because of our decision. Her bloodline ends when she dies. We didn't make a bad decision to have her spayed. I am all for spaying and neuturing your pets and adopting shelter/rescue dogs and cats rather than purchasing from breeders. But it is funny how in life I have projected my own experience with infertility onto others. I see things in the world differently because of my infertility.
Now that I am 24 weeks pregnant I don't think these thoughts quite so often. I have found a great joy in carrying our miracle girl thanks to embryo adoption. But our infertility will always be part of our story. My current pregnancy doesn't erase all that we went through to get here. I still look at Dan's gorgeous ice blue eyes (the same eyes his dad and grandpa all had) and feel sad that his bloodline ends when he dies. It amongst others are thoughts that still occasionally push their way into my mind despite our joyful anticipation of baby girl Shack. While bloodline is not what is most important to Dan and I (obviously or we would have done IVF rather than embryo adoption), losing your ability to produce a genetic child is in fact a loss. It would have been neat to see what a genetic mix of Dan and I turned out to be but I so look forward to meeting baby girl Shack and learning what she will uniquely bring to our family. What habits and traits will she pick up from Dan? What will she pick up from me? I am excited to get to know our little girl!
5 comments:
Honestly, I still have those same thoughts and feelings. I don't know that they'll ever go away. But you're right. Our adopted child brings so many more characteristics into our family tree and it's exciting to watch them develop! I can't wait to "meet" baby girl Shack as well!
I have followed your blog for a little while and congrats to you both! We ended up adopting a baby boy after 9 years of infertility and he is the most precious gift from God ever, but I do have to admit sometimes I feel the same and wish if only we could have experienced both our beautiful son and a genetic child from my husband and I , I try not to let the thoughts stay for long, because my son is the most amazing thing ever and we are so grateful to his birthmom for keeping him and giving him a chance at a great life. All the best again, I look forward to seeing your baby girl.Thanks for sharing your blog. Barbara
I just had to laugh about being jealous of pregnant cows! I have had similar thoughts and then felt completely ridiculous after. I'm so glad to hear that baby girl Shack is still growing strong and healthy!
Beautifully put.
I am in a bit of a different position....we got our bio-child (a boy) thru IVF but broke the bank and pushed the age limit doing it. For baby number two we were blessed with a beautiful baby girl via embryo donation. I love this child as fiercely as my son...she is rediculously cute, amazingly smart and so much more than I could have ever hoped for....but I often wonder what my own daughter would have looked like...my son is basically a carbon copy of my husband...I often wonder if they mixed up the eggs in the lab on that one....but then Genna is amazingly similar to me and even people who know her story say it is uncanny how much she is like me ... and she already (at 8 months) has personality traits that I would say my mom and grandmother had...So...when I start thinking things like this...I just remind myself that God hand picked this child for us and she is the child we were meant to have...she is the child that was meant to add to our family tree. I know these feelings...and I know they can nag...but I guarantee you...when you hold that baby in your arms...you will know she is the child you were meant to have.
kd
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