Waiting . . .

I have been anxious lately about our adoption. I haven't heard from the NEDC and according to their initial letter our mock transfer is supposed to be scheduled once we start our homestudy. Our homestudy has been finished and submitted for over 10 days now. When I emailed about a few issues (fertility doc in CA, when we would visit TN, and confirmation of our completed file) they emailed back with only vague responses to my questions. Not helpful and totally FRUSTRATING!

I would say in general that I have been pretty patient on our journey to become parents. We have been trying to conceive for five and half years now. If I have learned one thing about myself it is that my desire and emotions surrounding motherhood can fluctuate greatly. Our big house in our family-friendly neighborhood and our Chevy Tahoe "family car" we bought four years ago that I drive around alone in feel empty; I know my identity is founded in the Lord and not in my becoming a mom but I wonder what it would be like. I think about the thousands of little embryo babies stuck in their frozen straws and all the childless couples like us waiting to find each other.

There are times in my life when in God's grace I have found patience and peace. At other times (like now) I tire of the wait, of the not knowing if things will work out or if there is more pain and character refining in our future.

The hardest part of our fertility journey has been the lack of control over our future. I suppose I thought that now that Dan and I finally agreed to pursue embyro adoption we would be back in the "driver's seat" so to speak. We would have a definite timeline and I would be pregnant within the year, maybe even faster! I think I am realizing now that I have just reverted back to my need to control the details of life rather than trust our future to the Lord.

I know the promises of God: that he loves us, that he wants good for our lives, that he won't give us burdens that are too difficult for us to bear, that he will take care of our needs and knows our needs better than we do . . . But I also know that he cares more about the state of our souls than he does our daily happiness and if this is what needs to happen to bring Dan and I (and others) closer to Him then I accept this period of waiting and not knowing.

Romans 5:1-11

1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

6 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. 7 Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. 8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

9 Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him! 10 For if, when we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! 11 Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.