Battling Fear and Sorrow

The dreaded single pink line...times three...

I was going to approach this blogpost with a little lighter tone...a little humor.. like "One (pink line) Is The Loneliest Number" you know like the song.. but the fact is my heart is heavy today.  Yesterday was busy and I was able to push aside the news that all four of our embryos didn't make it and our transfer had failed.  I feel the darkness of fear washing over me.  What if we lose all of our remaining embryos and Lena doesn't get a sibling?  How will we pay for another transfer with one income, mounting debt, and a recent pay cut to my husband's paycheck?  How much longer can we endure the emotional roller coaster of infertility, doctor visits, daily injections, and seemingly endless waiting?

I knew early this week when all my home pregnancy tests were negative that my blood test yesterday would not bring us the news we wanted to hear.  I just got off the phone with Dr. K for my post-cycle consult which lasted all of two minutes.  Basically we can try again in January but he warned that the remaining embryos are of lesser quality than the ones we thawed for this last transfer.  The image of my big house full of kids is fading quickly...It will be weird for me to have a small family...as the oldest of five kids I am used to a bustling household.

I feel broken-hearted right now.

I look at Lena and wonder what her siblings would have been like.  Would they have sparkly blue eyes like her?  Would they be as outgoing as she is?  Who will share her life with her, keep her company, look out for her and love her unconditionally after Dan and I are gone?  My siblings and the time we have spent together in this life is so valuable to me...its priceless.  Each one of my brothers and my sister are irreplaceable.  They are all so unique and special and I can't imagine if one of them were never born and never part of our family.  When we lose our embryos Dan and I don't just lose babies, Lena loses her brothers and sisters and it breaks my heart.  It also makes me long for an open adoption.  I wish so badly that Lena could know her full blooded brother and sister who live with the family that gave us her group of embryos.  I found out a few weeks ago while I was at Dr. K's office that her genetic family doesn't even know that Lena exists.  I think that is sad.

I was cleaning all the old church bulletins out of my Bible this morning and one phrase that I must have scribbled onto one of them during a sermon caught my eye.  It simply read, "We must preach to our hearts".  And so it seems that is my task a lot this week.  We studied 1 Samuel 16-17 in women's Bible study this morning.  It is the passage where the young 15 year old shepherd David (who has learned to trust God to protect him and fearlessly fight when the lions and bears would attack his flock of sheep) is now faced with Goliath and the aggressive Philistines who are insulting and threatening the Isrealites.  David's response to this threat is confidence rather than fear.  To the world he was an unlikely hero as he helped save Isreal from the Philistine army.  To God he was a boy who faithfully and obediently did exactly what he had trained to do.  Wise beyond his years David trusted that God provides, God protects, and God is powerful and he lived his daily life confidently with that knowledge.  I hate that my natural reaction to difficulty is fear rather than confidence in a mighty God.

It is hard not to let my heart go to that dark place.  I have to remind myself that I have seen the provision of God.  I've seen it countless times in my own life.  One of my intense reactions after I realized our transfer didn't work was to just drop my "to do list" and spend tons of time with Lena.  I've never felt it more than this week just what a miracle my precious girl is.  I took her to the park for playtime, we went to Knott's Berry Farm and rode the merry go round and saw the horses, we read books together and snuggled in the special rocking chair, we danced to music and ate fun snacks...I am just so thankful that God has given us Lena.  She is a good visual reminder that the pain and frustration we sometimes endure is worth it.

Snack time at Knott's while we watch the Stagecoach drive by.

Lena LOVED riding the horsey on the merry go round like a big girl!

Christmas Concert 2010

Every year I look forward to performing with my fellow musicians at church and the Christmas concert is one of my favorite performances.  Last night was so fun as we celebrated together with song the birth of our Savior who came to redeem us from our sinful state and a fate of eternal death.  What a wonderously joyful season it is.

Is isolation really the answer?

I was logging on to AOL this morning and a cover story entitled "Tips for Facing Infertility During the Holidays" caught my eye.  In the article a woman, who with her husband has been struggling with infertility for 6 years, describes how it is difficult to make it through the holidays without having children.  She has dubbed the season "The Hellidays" and has started an Internet campaign called "National Don't Send Me Christmas Cards with Photos of Your Kids on Them Month," on her blog, "Fertility Foibles.".  She suggests that if your friends don't oblige then you should just throw their Christmas cards away without opening them.  The article then gives some suggestions for us "infertiles" in how to make it through the holidays:

1. Smooth talk: Find a subtle way to let family members know that, yes, you are trying, but you'd rather focus on enjoying the holiday instead of talking about it right now. If your relatives don't get the message -- we all have that sweet-but-a-little-obtuse aunt, right? -- think of a short answer to the question before heading to the party, so you won't be put on the spot with nothing to say.  Be armed with other interesting news or information to share with your relatives, so you can give your answer to the baby question and then quickly turn the conversation in another direction.
2. Ban the baby department: During shopping treks to the mall, steer clear of the baby section
3. Home alone: Staying in is not always a bad option, as holiday gatherings typically revolve around children.  Give yourself a break from the ongoing parties and celebrations that you are not ready to participate in.
4. Start new traditions. Create a new or different holiday ritual with your partner or close friends or family members as a way of acknowledging the holidays in a lower key, comfortable manner.
5.  Create mantras: Couples struggling with fertility should create an arsenal of internal mantras: "I will not be childless forever." "I will have stories to share like this one day, too."
6. Cry, baby: If all else fails, Burris recommends fleeing to the bathroom "for a good cry."

I noticed a trend in the suggestions to survive the holidays.  Almost all suggestions, including the suggestion to ban family photo Christmas cards, assert that isolating yourself from things connected to children/pregnancy is good for you.  Is isolation really the answer to dealing with the disappointment of not being able to have a family?  The holiday season is difficult for me as an infertile, childless woman.   Last year our pastors in advent sermons managed to mention the barrenness of Elizabeth (mother of John the Baptist) multiple times.  We buy stocking and Christmas presents for our cats and dog instead of our own children.  The holiday season is also the anniversary of the loss of our only pregnancy.  It marks another year that we haven't been able to conceive and our adoption hasn't yet helped expand our family.  I have my sad moments.  Then I think of all of the experiences that I would miss out on if I was so self-focused that I just decided to not go where children are or read the Christmas cards of my friends and family.  I don't want my infertility to hurt Dan and I any more than it has.  It has robbed us of many years we might have had children but it will not rob us of the joyful experience of living in community by playing with our wonderful nephews, or spending time with families from church and work, or experiencing the magic of holding a newborn baby, or giving back by working in the nursery when they need a little extra help.  The movie Amazing Grace is one my most favorite films.  In this film one of the main characters states, "It seems to me, that if there is a bad taste in your mouth, you spit it out. You don't constantly swallow it back."  One of the dangers of infertility is that it can leave a bad taste in your mouth.  It can make you incredibly bitter, IF YOU LET IT.  Infertility hurts.  It is very painful, and the wounds are deep.  But if you spend your life focused on your pain you will miss out on all the wonderful things in the world. . . including babies, children, families, cute Santa onsies in the store, and so many other things and experiences.  "Spitting out" the bad taste of infertility for me has been many things:  writing in this blog, sharing my emotions and experiences with close family and friends, focusing on the blessings in my life like being able to travel and run in crazy races, but most of all realizing that my joy and value as a person is not founded in my fertility but rather in the fact that I am a loved and desired creation of God.  My infertility is part of me but it doesn't define me.  My Grandma Joyce used to tell us when we were small kids that we needed to weed out the root of bitterness in our hearts before it overtakes the beauty of our "garden".  I have prayed many times for God to change my emotions and my views of things that could steal my joy and grow my bitterness.  The miracle of my life is that my prayer to become a mom is not yet answered but I am free from the burden of bitterness and isolation and not on my own merit.  My joy comes from a source outside of myself.  "The joy of the Lord is my strength." Nehemiah 8:10

Pregnancy Tests and Patrick Henry

This week I taught Patrick Henry's "Give me liberty, or give me death!" speech.  It is hard sometimes to passionately teach such amazing and historical works of art when your "audience" just turns to their neighbor and says (in a whiny, breathy voice), "This is soooo stupid."  Anyways, I digress. . . in Henry's speech he states his life philosophy, ". . .it is natural to man to indulge in the illusions of hope. We are apt to shut our eyes against a painful truth . . . For my part, whatever anguish of spirit it may cost, I am willing to know the whole truth; to know the worst, and to provide for it."  I had my students reflect in their journals on the wisdom or foolishness of Henry's philosophy and compare it to how they approach difficulty.  I don't think in this passage Henry intends to communicate that we should not ever hope.  Hope when put in the right place/being is a good thing.  Here he chides his fellow colonists for putting their hope in something that is not worthy of their trust- the English government.  He encourages them to be grounded in reality; to open their eyes to the "painful truth" that war with England is coming and they should begin amassing an American militia to prepare for this war. 
When I reflect on how this philosophy relates to our embryo adoption situation I can see how I have struggled at times to be hopeful.  I like Patrick Henry think it is better to know the WHOLE truth even if it hurts so that I can move on, fight it, get prepared, etc.  I find myself at times thinking, "I just wish I could get to the transfer and two-week wait so I can just know if this transfer will work or not."   True to form today Dan and I went to Dollar Tree to purchase gobs of pregnancy tests so that I can know of our transfer results (good or bad) as soon as possible.  I know though that the hope I do have for a successful transfer is not ill placed.  As a follower of Christ my eyes have been opened to the reality that our purpose in life is to serve a loving, just, merciful, and wise God and not to seek personal fulfillment.  Sometimes his plans for my life do not match my own plans.  He may choose to have us go through a painful situation or he may choose to give us the desires of our heart.  Either way I can have peace in knowing that the one whom I hope in, the one who is my source of hope in our embryo adoption, is one who is worthy of my trust.  No matter what happens with this transfer we are acting according to His purpose for our lives in pursuing parenthood and embryo adoption and He will sustain us in difficult times and rejoice with us in times of blessing. 

I feel like I have so many more thoughts on this matter.  I think my EA blog buddies, Aaron and Jennifer who are preparing for their third transfer with the NEDC (their first two transfers did not result in a pregnancy) have beautifully expressed in their posts "Moving Forward",  "Thoughts regarding our third transfer", and "Balancing our emotions with God's truth"  how Dan and I feel about our own infertility/embryo adoption experience in relation to our relationship with Christ.  Please pray for them and for Dan and I as we approach our transfers in the upcoming weeks!

Happy Resurrection Day!

Only when our eyes are opened to the depravity in our own hearts will we recognize the need of a savior.  Resurrection Day (aka Easter) is a celebration for me because it is the day I remember that God has provided that savior.  One who paid the ultimate price so that my fallen heart could be whole again.  The perfection of God's plan in Jesus' life, death, and resurrection blows me away.  I love the justice in it: we sin, we deserve punishment, God loves us and provides a replacement person to take our punishment.  God remains a just God and we are saved and brought to reconciliation.  It is the most amazing of love stories, a story of redeeming love and I love to read it again and again.  I enjoy reading Paul's letters in Romans because he is so clear, logical, and honest:

 Romans 5:1-8

1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we^a have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we^b3Not only so, but we^c also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.

6You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. 7Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. 8But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Happy Resurrection Day dearest family and friends!  Our Savior is mighty, merciful, and loves beyond measure.

Look inside the mystery,

See the empty cross

See the risen Savior,

Victorious and strong

No one else above Him

None as strong to save

He alone has conquered,

The power of the grave

Glorious, my eyes have seen the glory of the Lord

Glorious, He stands above the rulers of the Earth

Look beyond the tombstone

See the living God

See the resurrected

The ruler of my heart

No one else above him

None to match his worth

The hope of his returning

Fills the universe

Glorious, glorious
Lord you  are glorious

Prayer for Haiti

Most likely you all know that on Jan. 12, 2010 there was a massive earthquake in Haiti.  One of my close friends from Biola, Dephanie Lilite, her husband Louima and their two daughters were in Haiti doing ministry when the quake hit.  I am so thankful that they are okay but they report that the nation is in devistation and it is not known whether Louima's sister and her family are safe.  Please pray for the nation of Haiti, for the Lilite family as they work through this disaster, and for their safety as they attempt to find a way back to the U.S.  If you want to know more about Louima's work with the Haitian people in the North Haitian Music Camps click here.

UPDATE - JAN. 14 6:00am

Dephanie updated on facebook this morning that Louima's sister and her family are safe.  His sister was in a building that collapsed during the quake but she managed to escape to safety.  Dephanie and Louima and their girls were scheduled to leave Haiti today.  Dephanie said that they heard MFI was flying out of Haiti at Cap and they were going to go there Thursday morning to get on a flight to the U.S.   She said they had to get past a bridge that has been deemed "impassable" due to quake damage.  She asked for prayer that the bridge would not collapse.  

UPDATE - JAN. 14 6:00pm

Dephanie updated tonight and they made it to Florida!  She didn't explain how they were able to make it but they are in the U.S. and will fly home tomorrow.

UPDATE - JAN. 19 7:00pm

The Lilite family is back and safe in Oklahoma.  Today marks one week since the quake hit.  Louima's cousin is still missing and his cousin's wife has had to have both of her legs amputated. 

A True Hero

"I believe God made me for a purpose, but he also made me fast. And when I run I feel His pleasure."



Eric Liddell(Olympic Gold Medalist in Track and Field as portrayed in Chariots of Fire:

You came to see a race today. To see someone win. It happened to be me. But I want you to do more than just watch a race. I want you to take part in it. I want to compare faith to running in a race. It's hard. It requires concentration of will, energy of soul. You experience elation when the winner breaks the tape - especially if you've got a bet on it. But how long does that last? You go home. Maybe you're dinner's burnt. Maybe you haven't got a job. So who am I to say, "Believe, have faith," in the face of life's realities? I would like to give you something more permanent, but I can only point the way. I have no formula for winning the race. Everyone runs in her own way, or his own way. And where does the power come from, to see the race to its end? From within. Jesus said, "Behold, the Kingdom of God is within you. If with all your hearts, you truly seek me, you shall ever surely find me." If you commit yourself to the love of Christ, then that is how you run a straight race.

Do you long to feel "God's pleasure" in your life? To know that He made you for a purpose and you are living your life in accordance to that purpose?

Learn more about Eric's life here.

P.S. Since most all marathons take place on SundayI always thought someone should start a marathon (or even a 5k) on a Saturday in honor of Eric Liddell.

Waiting . . .

I have been anxious lately about our adoption. I haven't heard from the NEDC and according to their initial letter our mock transfer is supposed to be scheduled once we start our homestudy. Our homestudy has been finished and submitted for over 10 days now. When I emailed about a few issues (fertility doc in CA, when we would visit TN, and confirmation of our completed file) they emailed back with only vague responses to my questions. Not helpful and totally FRUSTRATING!

I would say in general that I have been pretty patient on our journey to become parents. We have been trying to conceive for five and half years now. If I have learned one thing about myself it is that my desire and emotions surrounding motherhood can fluctuate greatly. Our big house in our family-friendly neighborhood and our Chevy Tahoe "family car" we bought four years ago that I drive around alone in feel empty; I know my identity is founded in the Lord and not in my becoming a mom but I wonder what it would be like. I think about the thousands of little embryo babies stuck in their frozen straws and all the childless couples like us waiting to find each other.

There are times in my life when in God's grace I have found patience and peace. At other times (like now) I tire of the wait, of the not knowing if things will work out or if there is more pain and character refining in our future.

The hardest part of our fertility journey has been the lack of control over our future. I suppose I thought that now that Dan and I finally agreed to pursue embyro adoption we would be back in the "driver's seat" so to speak. We would have a definite timeline and I would be pregnant within the year, maybe even faster! I think I am realizing now that I have just reverted back to my need to control the details of life rather than trust our future to the Lord.

I know the promises of God: that he loves us, that he wants good for our lives, that he won't give us burdens that are too difficult for us to bear, that he will take care of our needs and knows our needs better than we do . . . But I also know that he cares more about the state of our souls than he does our daily happiness and if this is what needs to happen to bring Dan and I (and others) closer to Him then I accept this period of waiting and not knowing.

Romans 5:1-11

1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

6 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. 7 Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. 8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

9 Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him! 10 For if, when we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! 11 Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.