Our Little Nursery is No More

Grandma and Grandpa's guest room is now up and ready for visitors!

 We finally took down our nursery and moved the girls into the same room together.  It was bittersweet to say goodbye to the room where so many memories were made.  I rocked my babies to sleep in that room and prayed for my unborn girls in that room.  It sat empty for so long when our FETs would fail and now it will be empty once again.  We are glad to have a nice space for visitors though!  We got a set of bunk beds for the girls off of Craigslist.  Lena is on the bottom bunk for now and Kinley will stay in her crib a little longer. 

The last remnants of the nursery are the Dr. Seuss prints which were soon replaced by some of Lena's paintings.

The girls enjoying their new bunk beds!

RE Office Behavior Expectations...and Reality

"To ensure the safety of your child and optimize your visit, please refrain from bringing children to your appointment, if possible." Thank You

This is the sign that hangs right next to the reception desk in Dr. K's office.  During my last several visits there have been families with children in the waiting room: once a woman with an infant and toddler, a different time a couple with a toddler and a baby, another time an Italian/English speaking family with two boys in the 3-4 years old range, and today a couple with a young toddler (maybe 18 months old).   Most of the time these families have not only brought children into a place that should be child free but they turn the waiting room into their own personal romper room: they are loud, overly permissive with their children letting them climb all over everything and once even play a game of tag around the office, and seem to be oblivious to the fact that the majority of men and women who are sitting in the waiting room are there because they are going through a very intense, emotional, and perhaps painful experience in trying to have a child.

Many times it would have been MUCH easier for me to bring Lena with me to my appointments.  I usually have to drive an extra 90 minutes to take her to stay with family while I am at my appointment.  But I want to respect the fact that when someone is waiting anxiously to find out if they will finally be a mom or if their hopes will be crushed they don't want to be bombarded with images of what they cannot yet have.  The RE office should be a safe zone - and as stress free as possible.  I totally get that some people might not have the luxury of having family near by to watch older siblings while they attend appointments.  Even the sign in the RE office acknowledges this when they use the words "if possible".  But these families are intrusive and insensitive with their behavior.  Dad and the kids could wait in the large hall outside until the family is called back for their appointment.  Parents could have quieter activities or snacks prepared to keep their kids more subdued in the waiting room.  It is just hard for me to excuse the selfish behavior of these families.
Maybe I am over reacting.  I don't think so.  Infertility is a difficult and emotionally trying experience.  Anyone who adds to the emotional burden of an infertile person is a sadist or incredibly self-focused.

It is starting to feel like a long, long time...

It has been almost two years since I was last very pregnant and it is starting to feel like it has been a long, long time since then.   The old strong sad feelings of infertility have been plaguing me lately.  I notice pregnant women everywhere, newborn babies look so incredibly and yet painfully adorable, I add in my head a list of friends, family members, and acquaintances who have "lapped me" with another pregnancy since Lena has been born.

The most painful thing to an infertile woman is not the image of a friend or family member doting on their new baby or showing off a cute pregnant belly or the latest ultrasound picture on Facebook;  it is witnessing the mistreatment of a child by an ungrateful parent.  It happened to me the other day and I just wanted to slap the parents in the face and hold them down until they understood what a gift and a miracle the life of each child truly is.

All this, it's not really about fairness or jealousy; it is about a longing I have deep within.  It is different this time around though.  I am a mom.  Boy that feels good to say.  Life is full, fast, and busy and it leaves little time to languish in the longing.

Lord, fill me up with your love, contentment, and thankfulness.

Long Beach Tri 2013

Long Beach Triathlon 2013 Official Results

Finish Time 1:46:52

Swim- 21:45 T1- 4:01 Bike- 4352 T2- 1:51 Run- 35:25

Placed 9/17 Athenas and 516/610 overall

Just finished a .5 mile swim, 11 mile bike ride, and 3 mile run!

Today I finished my third Long Beach Sprint Triathlon and I raced to a personal record by 5 minutes!  After having been on a "no exercise" order for over two weeks I tried to make the most of the 10 days I had to prepare for the triathlon since I didn't sign up until I found out I wasn't pregnant.  I had to rely on muscle memory and was able to pack on some muscle and lose over a percent of body fat before the race.  Whenever Dan and I come to a difficult point in our infertility/adoption journey I react in one of two ways:  take a fabulous and exotic vacation or compete in a physically changing race.  It feels good to be able to do things that I generally wouldn't be able to do if I were pregnant.

Beautiful pre-race sunrise!

We arrived in Long Beach in the dark early morning hours and watched a beautiful sunrise as I headed out to the starting line.  Unlike last year's rough surf and thick fog, the ocean water was glassy and the skies were clear.  Dan was my cheer/support squad this year and did a great job motivating me and taking pictures.

Dan, my biggest fan!

The swim went well although I realized that I need to swim closer to the pylons.  Towards the end of the .5 mile swim I swam right into a huge kelp bed and totally freaked out.  The lifeguard on the surfboard next to me must have gotten a good laugh as I screamed "Eweee!  Gross!   Yuck!"  Given the better swim conditions I did finish the swim 3-4 minutes faster than last year.

Traditional pre-race warrior pose!

Right before the race start!

I raced in the Athena/Clydesdale division again this year which I love!  I would say that the majority of the competitors at this race were young in-shape people in their 20s.  It was fun to race with a huge variety of people who are just out there to set goals and accomplish them.  

I was able to improve my transition time from the swim to the bike by a whole minute which was something that I had focused on.  The run from the beach to the transition area through heavy sand is one of the more difficult parts of the triathlon.  

The bike portion of the race was my biggest improvement.  I completed it two minutes faster than last year.  Dan had taken me to work the hills in Chino Hills and I want to do some more hill work to improve my bike time even more next time.  

I did not complete any training runs or practice swims before this triathlon and I could tell.  I was in good physical condition because of my work in bootcamp but I lacked the endurance that I needed to improve my time in that area.  I did feel MUCH better physically than my 3 mile run in last year's triathlon and I probably could have pushed myself a little harder.  I competed 50 pounds lighter than what I weighed in last year's triathlon.  I wore the same trisuit - check out my comparison pics:

Long Beach Tri 2013 - 194 lbs

Long Beach Tri 2012 - 245 lbs

Miss Lena stayed with Grandma and Grandpa since she wasn't feeling too well with a cold.  When I got home from the race she loved wearing my new race medal.  I am excited that I was able to meet my goal to set a personal record today and to have a fun experience in the midst of a personal trial.  (I miscarried our little baby from our August transfer the day before the race.)  I am looking forward to being in Long Beach again next month to race the Long Beach Half Marathon.  Time to start putting some miles on my new Nike's!

Battling Fear and Sorrow

The dreaded single pink line...times three...

I was going to approach this blogpost with a little lighter tone...a little humor.. like "One (pink line) Is The Loneliest Number" you know like the song.. but the fact is my heart is heavy today.  Yesterday was busy and I was able to push aside the news that all four of our embryos didn't make it and our transfer had failed.  I feel the darkness of fear washing over me.  What if we lose all of our remaining embryos and Lena doesn't get a sibling?  How will we pay for another transfer with one income, mounting debt, and a recent pay cut to my husband's paycheck?  How much longer can we endure the emotional roller coaster of infertility, doctor visits, daily injections, and seemingly endless waiting?

I knew early this week when all my home pregnancy tests were negative that my blood test yesterday would not bring us the news we wanted to hear.  I just got off the phone with Dr. K for my post-cycle consult which lasted all of two minutes.  Basically we can try again in January but he warned that the remaining embryos are of lesser quality than the ones we thawed for this last transfer.  The image of my big house full of kids is fading quickly...It will be weird for me to have a small family...as the oldest of five kids I am used to a bustling household.

I feel broken-hearted right now.

I look at Lena and wonder what her siblings would have been like.  Would they have sparkly blue eyes like her?  Would they be as outgoing as she is?  Who will share her life with her, keep her company, look out for her and love her unconditionally after Dan and I are gone?  My siblings and the time we have spent together in this life is so valuable to me...its priceless.  Each one of my brothers and my sister are irreplaceable.  They are all so unique and special and I can't imagine if one of them were never born and never part of our family.  When we lose our embryos Dan and I don't just lose babies, Lena loses her brothers and sisters and it breaks my heart.  It also makes me long for an open adoption.  I wish so badly that Lena could know her full blooded brother and sister who live with the family that gave us her group of embryos.  I found out a few weeks ago while I was at Dr. K's office that her genetic family doesn't even know that Lena exists.  I think that is sad.

I was cleaning all the old church bulletins out of my Bible this morning and one phrase that I must have scribbled onto one of them during a sermon caught my eye.  It simply read, "We must preach to our hearts".  And so it seems that is my task a lot this week.  We studied 1 Samuel 16-17 in women's Bible study this morning.  It is the passage where the young 15 year old shepherd David (who has learned to trust God to protect him and fearlessly fight when the lions and bears would attack his flock of sheep) is now faced with Goliath and the aggressive Philistines who are insulting and threatening the Isrealites.  David's response to this threat is confidence rather than fear.  To the world he was an unlikely hero as he helped save Isreal from the Philistine army.  To God he was a boy who faithfully and obediently did exactly what he had trained to do.  Wise beyond his years David trusted that God provides, God protects, and God is powerful and he lived his daily life confidently with that knowledge.  I hate that my natural reaction to difficulty is fear rather than confidence in a mighty God.

It is hard not to let my heart go to that dark place.  I have to remind myself that I have seen the provision of God.  I've seen it countless times in my own life.  One of my intense reactions after I realized our transfer didn't work was to just drop my "to do list" and spend tons of time with Lena.  I've never felt it more than this week just what a miracle my precious girl is.  I took her to the park for playtime, we went to Knott's Berry Farm and rode the merry go round and saw the horses, we read books together and snuggled in the special rocking chair, we danced to music and ate fun snacks...I am just so thankful that God has given us Lena.  She is a good visual reminder that the pain and frustration we sometimes endure is worth it.

Snack time at Knott's while we watch the Stagecoach drive by.

Lena LOVED riding the horsey on the merry go round like a big girl!

Time for some HONESTY.. Welcome to my Pity Party!

I am usually the optimistic one.  When I get discouraged I look around and focus on others who have it worse than myself.  I watch inspirational videos on YouTube to encourage me in my struggles.  I try to focus on the positives in the situation rather than the negatives.  You know, I am one of those "glass half-full" kind of people.

A few days ago I posted and somewhat genuine post about my weight and fitness goals.  This is my personal blog and I feel the need to purge my true feelings on this issue.  You know, sometimes you just need to admit nice and loud how you truly feel and cry for a little before you move on like a "Susie Sunshine".  

My weight loss before picture which hasn't changed all that much. =

 I have had a tremendous struggle with my weight pretty much my entire life.  Years ago I accepted that it would always be a struggle for me.  In 2009-2010 (about an 18 month span) I had a huge breakthrough in my weight struggles and lost 80 pounds.  It was a TON of hard work and discipline especially considering the emotional struggles with infertility I was going through.  Then I had my first failed FET and then finally got pregnant with Lena.

My pregnancy was not easy but not the worst I've heard of.  I had horrible swelling and my doctor's advice was to stay off my feet  (not such great advice for someone trying to battle weight gain).  In the end after giving birth early due to preeclampsia and recovering from my c-section, I had gained back nearly all of the weight I had lost.  I had hoped that through breastfeeding I could magically burn of all of those unwanted pounds.  After all it worked for almost every pregnant woman I had talked to.  Ha!  After so many years of struggling with infertility I should have known better.  I had a milk supply problem and actually gained ten more pounds instead of losing any.

Just in case you wanted to see my super sexy side profile.  Ha ha!

Once the new year came around I decided to get serious about working on my weight issues.  I began my spin classes again and did several 5k walk/jogs a week.  I started cleaning up my diet and laying off the carbs.  I did manage to lose around 15 pounds or so.  Once summer arrived I decided I needed to get even more committed.  I now work out 10 times a week, eat no more than 1500-1800 calories per day, and watch my  balance of carbs, protein, and fat.  It STINKS that I have worked so hard for three whole weeks burning over 4000 calories a day doing all of this cross training to lose a mere HALF POUND!!!

(Here we go....)  UNFAIR!   UNJUST!!  WHY ME!!!  I'VE HAD MY FAIR SHARE OF STRUGGLES!  WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO BE SUCH A BATTLE - AND A LOSING ONE AT THAT!??!

What is my body thinking?  Aye me...   My boot camp trainer after examining my food log and workout schedule just told me to keep on going, that I was getting stronger.  Stronger is great but I want to be SKINNY... or at least SKINNIER!  I am sick of being the fat one in class, or worrying if the lap bar will close on my gut when we ride the rides at Knott's, or worry about fitting into my airplane seat when we go to Hawaii in August.  Or what about living in my bathing suit for two weeks baring my thunder thighs and cellulite for all to see!

I feel naked, selfish, and shallow for posting all this.  There are after all people who are suffering MUCH greater tragedies than myself.  But I can't help but think that God cares how I feel today.  He doesn't mind my lament as long as it doesn't rule my heart.  He put Psalms of lament in the Bible for a reason right?  It is okay to be frustrated and cry in self-pity for a moment or two... or three.  That is honest communication in a healthy relationship.   I guess I just pray that by God's grace my lament can turn to yet greater determination to work hard and meet my goals.  If Jesus can turn water into wine can he not turn my fat into muscle???  I think so!

(Ahhhh... there's that "Susie Sunshine" after all...)

These are the headlines that make a woman with IF go CRAZY!

Thoughts from an Infertile-Though-Now-Pregnant Woman

Out where we live in dairy country, our neighborhood is surrounded by large pens of dairy cows.  On the street nearest to our house is one of the many birthing pens where the dairy farmers put all the pregnant cows in one place.  I often drive by this birthing pen or walk by on my way to the nearby dog park.  The past three years since we moved here I often had mixed emotions when I would see this pen full of pregnant or new mommy cows.  I would coo and sigh at the site of a new shinny baby calf in the pen but then a sadness would set in.  I actually felt jealous of all of these cows that seemed to endlessly get pregnant and give birth to their young - something I could not do.  I consider it a low point in my fertility story that I actually harbored jealous feelings towards pregnant cows.  It was a constant visual and auditory reminder (because you could hear them moo like crazy from our house when they are in labor) of my inability to create a family for Dan and I.

Similarly, we had our beautiful dog Jersey spayed a few years ago.  Then and now I often look at her and feel guilt and sadness.  I willingly took away her fertility.  She is such a beautiful and good-natured dog that I feel sad there won't be anymore Jerseys in the world because of our decision.  Her bloodline ends when she dies.  We didn't make a bad decision to have her spayed.  I am all for spaying and neuturing your pets and adopting shelter/rescue dogs and cats rather than purchasing from breeders.  But it is funny how in life I have projected my own experience with infertility onto others.  I see things in the world differently because of my infertility.

Now that I am 24 weeks pregnant I don't think these thoughts quite so often.  I have found a great joy in carrying our miracle girl thanks to embryo adoption.  But our infertility will always be part of our story.  My current pregnancy doesn't erase all that we went through to get here.  I still look at Dan's gorgeous ice blue eyes (the same eyes his dad and grandpa all had) and feel sad that his bloodline ends when he dies.  It amongst others are thoughts that still occasionally push their way into my mind despite our joyful anticipation of baby girl Shack.  While bloodline is not what is most important to Dan and I (obviously or we would have done IVF rather than embryo adoption), losing your ability to produce a genetic child is in fact a loss.  It would have been neat to see what a genetic mix of Dan and I turned out to be but I so look forward to meeting baby girl Shack and learning what she will uniquely bring to our family.  What habits and traits will she pick up from Dan?  What will she pick up from me?  I am excited to get to know our little girl!

Tick Tock and Who To Tell

My first week back to work went well.  I felt fragile at first.  I was afraid to walk too much, stand too long, get frustrated too easily, etc.  Mostly I don't feel pregnant.  I have to pee often and I've been really thirsty.  I drink so much water!  I have the stretchy cramping on and off.  On a few occasions I have felt extremely mild nausea.  Most everyone has told me that their symptoms didn't show up till 6 or 7 weeks into the pregnancy so I am not really worried.  I am actually really thankful that I wasn't feeling horrible this week.  It was really busy at work!!!  I feel like I am obeying Dr. K's orders to stay cautiously optimistic and we are looking forward to our ultrasound one week from today!

I was gone from work for two weeks because of the transfer and I've been open with some of my colleagues about our adoption process.  Let's just say that news of my pregnancy has spread only like gossipy wildfire can in LM.  I don't mind that people know.  A long time ago I chose to give up some privacy to have emotional and prayer support and also to bring awareness to embryo adoption.  It has been a little annoying that people at work have felt like handing out advice to me like this: "If I were you I would tell as FEW people as possible." or "When I was pregnant I didn't tell ANYONE until I was showing."   It just makes me feel like some people really don't understand what I've been through.  I suppose their intentions are to keep me from getting hurt even more if something goes wrong.  Having been through a miscarriage before I'm not really sure how it can feel better some times and worse others.  It is horrible no matter how many people you have to tell.  Frankly, I'd rather not have to lie about why I am sad or need an extra day off.  The situation at work got me thinking about how open I've been with our adoption.  I wonder if I would have done it differently if I could go back.  Honestly, I don't think I would.  The worst time in my infertility journey was when only Dan and I knew.  I felt so alone.  I am an emotionally transparent person and I hated making excuses about why I was sad, or frustrated, or angry, or not pregnant yet. . .  When I began to tell people about our story I decided I would let it happen naturally.  I don't walk around announcing that I am an infertile who is adopting.  Occasionally, in a conversation, that information works in naturally.  Now that many people know about our embryo adoption I think they should know all of it.  Not just the happy, joyful parts, but the waiting parts, the worrying parts, the messy parts, the devestatingly sad parts, the painful parts, the angry and frustrating parts. . .all of it.  It is easier to share the burden than hide it.  I want people's prayers and when there is reason to celebrate as we now celebrate with my pregnancy it is all the more joyful.

The Upside of Infertility . . .

. . . is definitely doctor ordered bed rest.  At almost four days post transfer I am enjoying a break from the daily grind.  My shots are going great so far but I am bruising a bit more than last time.  Also, in my last transfer I was cramping quite a bit right from the beginning.  I haven't had any cramping at all so far.  I am not really anxious.  I am not trying to make sense of any symptoms or lack of any.  Through my experience, research, and observation of the experiences of others it seems there is not much rhyme or reason to why some embryos make it and others do not.  My 72 hours of implantation time is up.  Our babies have either made it or not at this point.  I pray that they have.

IRS and Embryo Adoption

I saw a letter that explained embryo adoption as equated with traditional adoption for the purposes of receiving the adoption tax credit and showed it to our tax man. He wouldn't do it (primarily due to the fact that none of our embryos have resulted in a live birth yet.)  It is really unfair how the insurance industry treats (or rather doesn't treat) infertility patients. It is sad that our country (including the IRS) doesn't recognize an embryo as a human life. Even many pro-adoption people I know seem to feel it is more noble to adopt a born child rather than one that is unborn as we do in embryo adoption. Hopefully by showing them our embryo pictures next to pictures of those same embryos after they are born will help all to realize that embryos are not "potential" life they are indeed fully human and fully alive.  We need to force our government to honor what we already know: embryo adoption is in fact adoption.

Infertility Math

7 - the number of nieces and nephews (E's side of the family) that have been born since we started trying
3 - the number of failed donor matches in 2010
81 - the number of months we have been trying to have a baby
4 - the number of adoption agencies/donor clinics we have worked with
15,000 - the money we spent in dollars on infertility treatments before adoption
17,000 - the money we spent in dollars on adoption and FET expenses
5 - the number of IUI procedures we did over a two year period
23 - the number of weeks we lost in 2010 due to donor families changing their mind
1 - the number of FETs we have had
4 - the number of embryos we adopted so far (2 are already in heaven)
1 - the number of miscarriages I have had
6 - the age our child would be if we didn't have infertility issues
10 - the number of countries we have visited on vacations taken in lieu of having children
7,200 - the money in dollars family and friends have given us to help with adoption expenses

Perspective

Do these pictures make you excited or sad?

(Baby things I have collected for our future children and for Baby Shack that we lost three years ago.)

(My Tahoe that we traded Dan's loved truck in for to be our family car in 2004.)

(Our four bedroom 3 bathroom house that we bought in 2008 in a family friendly neighborhood right on a tot lot park.)

( My children's library that rarely gets used.  I've been collecting kids books for our children for years now.)

(My super cute maternity jeans and shirts that I bought (and sometimes wear) because since I lost so much weight I don't fit into my old clothes and I didn't want to invest money in clothes that would only fit for a few months. )

I know in my head that these things are huge blessings. I'd like to say that they make me excited for what is to come but today they just make me a little sad.  Yeah. . . I don't really have much else to say about it for once.  It is just one of the waves of emotion that comes with infertility. 

For "The Infertiles". . . a little satire does the heart good.

I don't post directly about infertility a ton on this blog.  In my own heart I have chosen to abandon the bitterness that infertility can bring and move on to pursuing the hope that adoption brings to an infertile couple.  That doesn't mean that I don't still struggle with the social aspect of infertility from time to time.  I came across this satire dealing with infertility and Facebook and thought I would share it with my infertile sisters and brothers out there.  (Warning: I hate profanity.  This article uses it twice and  I apologize if it offends you.)

Also, I want to say that this satire more than implies that a fertile person can never understand or sympathize with the pain of infertility.  While there are people out there who are like that, I want to thank my fertile friends and family members who have reached out to me in my struggle with infertility.  Thank you for listening, asking questions, praying for me, encouraging me, and including me in your lives even when it might be awkward.  While sometimes infertility is lonely, I don't feel alone.  God has gifted Dan and I with wonderful friends and family and we are grateful for that.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------(Start of Satire)
There was a good article on the Washington Post web site earlier this week about being infertile on Facebook.  "Now, when more than a half-billion people use Facebook, couples yearning for children say they are trapped," writes Ian Shapira. "They are unwilling to detach from the social network, but unable to avoid its frequent reminders — fetal sonograms are seemingly ubiquitous — of what might elude them forever."
Now, I was never on Facebook during vulnerable times, so I don't know quite how it feels.  I can vividly imagine it, though.  Here is how I think it might be, seen from the point of view and the news feed of one totally fictitious Anita Child.  (To help me out I've called on some old friends.  Facebook's just great for reconnecting with all the people we hated in high school.)







...Do I have the general idea?

Posted by Julie at 10:53:41 PM in I am full of good ideas

An open letter to those donating embryos

Dear Donor Families,

I can't imagine the emotional strain it puts on you to think of passing your embryos on to another family.  I admire your choice immensely and think it is the best choice and a selfless choice.  However, there is one question that I would like to ask you all which I cannot myself figure out.  And while this question does not apply to all of you, in my own personal experience it has applied to three of our four prospective donor embryo families.  So. . . here is my question:  Most of you have gone through the pain of infertility and understand the agony of "not knowing" and having "no control".  Most of you understand how precious time is in the race to beat the biological clock, more importantly you understand how for an infertile couple each day that passes without making some progress toward your dream of being parents is incredibly frustrating, and most importantly you know each day that passes your precious embryos have to wait even longer for a chance at life.  Which leads me to ask this:  If you understand our (recipient family) struggle so well and you know you want to give life to your embryos, why do you insist on adding to the heartache of this situation by refusing to sign paperwork and cooperate with our placing agencies in a timely manner?  I honestly don't get it.  I realize the decision to donate your embryos is extremely difficult and now that you have your own child(ren) your time is precious; But please do not agree to an embryo donation match until you are ready to proceed and committed to the effort required of you to make the donation happen in a reasonable frame of time.  To those donor families who have cooperated in a timely manner (including the donor family of our four precious Snowflake embies) we receiving families thank you!  You are appreciated and respected for your compassion and commitment to your embryos and us receiving families.

Sincerely,
E&D Shack (A receiving family who is tired of waiting three weeks for our next precious donor family to sign one simple piece of legal paperwork. . .)

Is isolation really the answer?

I was logging on to AOL this morning and a cover story entitled "Tips for Facing Infertility During the Holidays" caught my eye.  In the article a woman, who with her husband has been struggling with infertility for 6 years, describes how it is difficult to make it through the holidays without having children.  She has dubbed the season "The Hellidays" and has started an Internet campaign called "National Don't Send Me Christmas Cards with Photos of Your Kids on Them Month," on her blog, "Fertility Foibles.".  She suggests that if your friends don't oblige then you should just throw their Christmas cards away without opening them.  The article then gives some suggestions for us "infertiles" in how to make it through the holidays:

1. Smooth talk: Find a subtle way to let family members know that, yes, you are trying, but you'd rather focus on enjoying the holiday instead of talking about it right now. If your relatives don't get the message -- we all have that sweet-but-a-little-obtuse aunt, right? -- think of a short answer to the question before heading to the party, so you won't be put on the spot with nothing to say.  Be armed with other interesting news or information to share with your relatives, so you can give your answer to the baby question and then quickly turn the conversation in another direction.
2. Ban the baby department: During shopping treks to the mall, steer clear of the baby section
3. Home alone: Staying in is not always a bad option, as holiday gatherings typically revolve around children.  Give yourself a break from the ongoing parties and celebrations that you are not ready to participate in.
4. Start new traditions. Create a new or different holiday ritual with your partner or close friends or family members as a way of acknowledging the holidays in a lower key, comfortable manner.
5.  Create mantras: Couples struggling with fertility should create an arsenal of internal mantras: "I will not be childless forever." "I will have stories to share like this one day, too."
6. Cry, baby: If all else fails, Burris recommends fleeing to the bathroom "for a good cry."

I noticed a trend in the suggestions to survive the holidays.  Almost all suggestions, including the suggestion to ban family photo Christmas cards, assert that isolating yourself from things connected to children/pregnancy is good for you.  Is isolation really the answer to dealing with the disappointment of not being able to have a family?  The holiday season is difficult for me as an infertile, childless woman.   Last year our pastors in advent sermons managed to mention the barrenness of Elizabeth (mother of John the Baptist) multiple times.  We buy stocking and Christmas presents for our cats and dog instead of our own children.  The holiday season is also the anniversary of the loss of our only pregnancy.  It marks another year that we haven't been able to conceive and our adoption hasn't yet helped expand our family.  I have my sad moments.  Then I think of all of the experiences that I would miss out on if I was so self-focused that I just decided to not go where children are or read the Christmas cards of my friends and family.  I don't want my infertility to hurt Dan and I any more than it has.  It has robbed us of many years we might have had children but it will not rob us of the joyful experience of living in community by playing with our wonderful nephews, or spending time with families from church and work, or experiencing the magic of holding a newborn baby, or giving back by working in the nursery when they need a little extra help.  The movie Amazing Grace is one my most favorite films.  In this film one of the main characters states, "It seems to me, that if there is a bad taste in your mouth, you spit it out. You don't constantly swallow it back."  One of the dangers of infertility is that it can leave a bad taste in your mouth.  It can make you incredibly bitter, IF YOU LET IT.  Infertility hurts.  It is very painful, and the wounds are deep.  But if you spend your life focused on your pain you will miss out on all the wonderful things in the world. . . including babies, children, families, cute Santa onsies in the store, and so many other things and experiences.  "Spitting out" the bad taste of infertility for me has been many things:  writing in this blog, sharing my emotions and experiences with close family and friends, focusing on the blessings in my life like being able to travel and run in crazy races, but most of all realizing that my joy and value as a person is not founded in my fertility but rather in the fact that I am a loved and desired creation of God.  My infertility is part of me but it doesn't define me.  My Grandma Joyce used to tell us when we were small kids that we needed to weed out the root of bitterness in our hearts before it overtakes the beauty of our "garden".  I have prayed many times for God to change my emotions and my views of things that could steal my joy and grow my bitterness.  The miracle of my life is that my prayer to become a mom is not yet answered but I am free from the burden of bitterness and isolation and not on my own merit.  My joy comes from a source outside of myself.  "The joy of the Lord is my strength." Nehemiah 8:10

"Not Yet"

. . .was not the answer Dan and I were praying we would get after waiting seven years to become parents but this is indeed the news we received today.  My blood test confirmed what I had known these past few days;  we lost both of our babies.  Adoption and infertility are both journeys and this is one of the painful and sad moments in our journey.  But it is not just about Dan and I.  Yes, today we once again lost out on the opportunity to be parents but our babies lost out on a chance to experience life.  I miss them and I didn't even know them.  They and baby Shack that we lost at six weeks in 2008 are the only children we have ever known.  Dan and I revere life at its most basic form (a small cluster of human cells) which is why we felt so drawn to embryo adoption.  I mourn them and I mourn the loss of the opportunity to mother them and provide them a loving home.

Tomorrow we will meet with our FET Dr. and decide what to do next.  We still have two more adopted embies in cryogenic storage waiting for a chance at life and we are committed to give them that opportunity.  I am not sure when that will happen just yet.

Thank you for praying for our embies and for us.  Dan and I have chosen to share our story for many reasons and one of those reasons is so that when we go through really tough days like today we have a community to come around us and build us back up with encouragement, kindness, and prayer.  Thank you friends.

One last look at our precious baby Shacks.  I am glad we have this picture to remember them by.

A Roman Holiday

Well since our embryo adoption plans were delayed four months when our first match fell through in April, we decided to squeeze in one last adventure before kids arrive.  We picked Italy and a Mediteranean cruise!  As we began to plan for Italy I realized that when our last round of infertility treatments failed we planned our trip to England and France; when we had our miscarriage we planned our trip to Aruba and Puerto Rico; and now when our first adoption match fell through we are planning a trip to Italy.  I suppose our wonderful travels have been a positive side effect of infertility.  There is something satisfying in saying, "If we can't have kids then we are going to do things that people with kids can't do!"  But more than that there is something therapudic for us in planning a big vacation. It is like a giant jigsaw puzzle that you have to piece together carefully as you work towards the final product-especially since we use our timeshare points with Marriott to pay for a huge portion of the trip.  We have decided to fly into Venice where we will board Holland America's brand new ship The Nieuw Amsterdam for a 12-day cruise to Croatia, Greece, and Turkey.  After the cruise we will take the train from Venice to visit Florence in the Tuscany region, Naples and Pompeii, and finally Rome.  So here is our Italian puzzle so far: