Gladiator Rock n' Run 2010!

Totally crazy and fun!  Participants for 2010:  Elizabeth, Dan, Ben (Elizabeth's brother) Janee (Elizabeth's friend)

So. . .are we getting stood up again?

Maybe so.   Our new clinic donor couple has had almost four weeks to sign a release paper to begin the contract phase of the embryo donation.  Not only have they not signed the paperwork, but they haven't responded to any of our clinics phone calls.  From our past experience, this is not a good sign.  When a couple hesitates to sign paperwork, it is for a reason.  Dan and I decided that if by Monday if the clinic does not hear from the donor couple, we will ask for our clinic to schedule our next FET with our two remaining Snowflake embryos.  I am super frustrated that the donor couple specifically asked to donate to a "struggling couple" and then played us like this.  How cruel.  I can only hope that I am wrong about this situation.  Maybe there is a small chance that they will go through with the donation.  We don't feel like waiting around to find out.  I feel good about finishing out our commitment to our Snowflake babies.  It was what I wanted from the beginning anyways.  Let's all pray for a miracle huh?  The doctor says my little Snowflakes don't have much of a chance of making it.  My God doesn't care about statistics.  He is the author of life even more than our incredible Dr. K.  I'm putting my faith in Him.

An open letter to those donating embryos

Dear Donor Families,

I can't imagine the emotional strain it puts on you to think of passing your embryos on to another family.  I admire your choice immensely and think it is the best choice and a selfless choice.  However, there is one question that I would like to ask you all which I cannot myself figure out.  And while this question does not apply to all of you, in my own personal experience it has applied to three of our four prospective donor embryo families.  So. . . here is my question:  Most of you have gone through the pain of infertility and understand the agony of "not knowing" and having "no control".  Most of you understand how precious time is in the race to beat the biological clock, more importantly you understand how for an infertile couple each day that passes without making some progress toward your dream of being parents is incredibly frustrating, and most importantly you know each day that passes your precious embryos have to wait even longer for a chance at life.  Which leads me to ask this:  If you understand our (recipient family) struggle so well and you know you want to give life to your embryos, why do you insist on adding to the heartache of this situation by refusing to sign paperwork and cooperate with our placing agencies in a timely manner?  I honestly don't get it.  I realize the decision to donate your embryos is extremely difficult and now that you have your own child(ren) your time is precious; But please do not agree to an embryo donation match until you are ready to proceed and committed to the effort required of you to make the donation happen in a reasonable frame of time.  To those donor families who have cooperated in a timely manner (including the donor family of our four precious Snowflake embies) we receiving families thank you!  You are appreciated and respected for your compassion and commitment to your embryos and us receiving families.

Sincerely,
E&D Shack (A receiving family who is tired of waiting three weeks for our next precious donor family to sign one simple piece of legal paperwork. . .)

The Good, the Bad, and the Shocking and Quite Exciting!

In July we finalized our adoption of four embryos through Snowflakes.  In September we began our first frozen embryo transfer (FET) cycle.  In October we thawed and transferred two of our four embryos and ten days later found out that they didn't make it.  The day after our negative BETA (pregnancy blood test) our FET doctor called to debrief with us.  Our news was good, then bad, then shocking and quite exciting and it has led us to a slight change in plans.

The Good:  My body did everything it was supposed to do.  Embryos, even "good looking" ones like one of our two embryos, sometimes don't make it.  It is the nature of assisted reproduction.  Science has not found a way to force an embryo to implant.  It must do so on its own.

The Bad:  The doctor says that the two embryos we used in our October transfer were our best embryos.  He says the other two have an even lesser chance of surviving the thaw and implanting although he does say it is very possible (while not likely) that they can come to a pregnancy and be born. 

The Shocking and Quite Exciting: Our doctor said that he has a couple in his donor embryo program who has completed their family and is looking specifically for a family who is really struggling to donate their five remaining embryos to.  Our doctor felt that we were the perfect recipient family for this match and wanted to know if we would consider accepting these five embryos. 

The Slight Change in Plans:  We told Dr. K that we were committed to giving our Snowflake embryos a chance at life and discarding them was not an option.  We also told Dr. K that we would be honored to "adopt" the couple's five embryos (blasts created from a sperm and egg donor - created in Dr. K's office in 2009).  For the last five weeks we have very slowly been progressing through the proper legal procedure to make these five embies ours.  The donating family has agreed to the match verbally but have now had the release paperwork for three weeks and have not signed or sent it back.  We have put our next FET on hold until we negotiate the terms of our embryo donation contract.  Ideally we would like to move forward with our second FET with our Snowflakes embryos while the legal paperwork is being finished on our new donor clinic embryos BUT  as all of us know in the adoption world. . . we do not live in a world of ideals.   If we transfer our Snowflake embies and it results in a pregnancy (which would be amazing) it could jeopardize our adoption of the donor clinic embies.  The typical donor embryo contract gives the receiving family one year of uninterrupted "ownership" of the frozen embryos.  After that year the donor family can ask for any embryos that are still frozen to be returned to them.  So the plan most likely will be to transfer the donor clinic embryos first until we get pregnant and then use our remaining two Snowflake embies and any remaining donor clinic embies in future transfers for siblings.  (We negotiated a five year contract on our Snowflake embies.)

So. . . that is where we are right now.   Thoroughly blessed by this amazing twist in our adoption story, but stuck in the waiting pattern once again.

For those waiting for their adopted little ones to come home. . .

. . .and for those precious little ones waiting for their forever family to come get them:



There's a little girl trembling on a cold December morn
Crying for momma's arms
At an orphanage just outside a little China town
There the forgotten are

But half a world away I hang the stockings by the fire
And dream about the day when I can finally call you mine

It's Christmas time again but you're not home
Your family is here and yet you're somewhere else alone
And so tonight I pray that God will come and hold you in his arms
And tell you from my heart I wish you Merry Christmas

As I hang the tinsel on the tree and watch the twinkling lights
I'm warmed by the fire's glow
Outside the children tumble in a wonderland of white,
Make angels in the snow

But half a world away you try your best to fight the tears
And hope that heaven's angels come to carry you here

It's Christmas time again but you're not home
Your family is here and yet you're somewhere else alone
And so tonight I pray that God will come and hold you in his arms
And tell you from my heart I wish you Merry Christmas

Christmas is a time to celebrate the holy child
And we celebrate his perfect gift of love
He came to earth to give his life
And prepare a place for us
So we could have a home with him above

It's Christmas time again and now you're home
Your family is here so you will never be alone
So tonight before you go to sleep, I'll hold you in my arms
And I'll tell you from my heart, and I'll you from my heart
I wish you Merry Christmas

Is isolation really the answer?

I was logging on to AOL this morning and a cover story entitled "Tips for Facing Infertility During the Holidays" caught my eye.  In the article a woman, who with her husband has been struggling with infertility for 6 years, describes how it is difficult to make it through the holidays without having children.  She has dubbed the season "The Hellidays" and has started an Internet campaign called "National Don't Send Me Christmas Cards with Photos of Your Kids on Them Month," on her blog, "Fertility Foibles.".  She suggests that if your friends don't oblige then you should just throw their Christmas cards away without opening them.  The article then gives some suggestions for us "infertiles" in how to make it through the holidays:

1. Smooth talk: Find a subtle way to let family members know that, yes, you are trying, but you'd rather focus on enjoying the holiday instead of talking about it right now. If your relatives don't get the message -- we all have that sweet-but-a-little-obtuse aunt, right? -- think of a short answer to the question before heading to the party, so you won't be put on the spot with nothing to say.  Be armed with other interesting news or information to share with your relatives, so you can give your answer to the baby question and then quickly turn the conversation in another direction.
2. Ban the baby department: During shopping treks to the mall, steer clear of the baby section
3. Home alone: Staying in is not always a bad option, as holiday gatherings typically revolve around children.  Give yourself a break from the ongoing parties and celebrations that you are not ready to participate in.
4. Start new traditions. Create a new or different holiday ritual with your partner or close friends or family members as a way of acknowledging the holidays in a lower key, comfortable manner.
5.  Create mantras: Couples struggling with fertility should create an arsenal of internal mantras: "I will not be childless forever." "I will have stories to share like this one day, too."
6. Cry, baby: If all else fails, Burris recommends fleeing to the bathroom "for a good cry."

I noticed a trend in the suggestions to survive the holidays.  Almost all suggestions, including the suggestion to ban family photo Christmas cards, assert that isolating yourself from things connected to children/pregnancy is good for you.  Is isolation really the answer to dealing with the disappointment of not being able to have a family?  The holiday season is difficult for me as an infertile, childless woman.   Last year our pastors in advent sermons managed to mention the barrenness of Elizabeth (mother of John the Baptist) multiple times.  We buy stocking and Christmas presents for our cats and dog instead of our own children.  The holiday season is also the anniversary of the loss of our only pregnancy.  It marks another year that we haven't been able to conceive and our adoption hasn't yet helped expand our family.  I have my sad moments.  Then I think of all of the experiences that I would miss out on if I was so self-focused that I just decided to not go where children are or read the Christmas cards of my friends and family.  I don't want my infertility to hurt Dan and I any more than it has.  It has robbed us of many years we might have had children but it will not rob us of the joyful experience of living in community by playing with our wonderful nephews, or spending time with families from church and work, or experiencing the magic of holding a newborn baby, or giving back by working in the nursery when they need a little extra help.  The movie Amazing Grace is one my most favorite films.  In this film one of the main characters states, "It seems to me, that if there is a bad taste in your mouth, you spit it out. You don't constantly swallow it back."  One of the dangers of infertility is that it can leave a bad taste in your mouth.  It can make you incredibly bitter, IF YOU LET IT.  Infertility hurts.  It is very painful, and the wounds are deep.  But if you spend your life focused on your pain you will miss out on all the wonderful things in the world. . . including babies, children, families, cute Santa onsies in the store, and so many other things and experiences.  "Spitting out" the bad taste of infertility for me has been many things:  writing in this blog, sharing my emotions and experiences with close family and friends, focusing on the blessings in my life like being able to travel and run in crazy races, but most of all realizing that my joy and value as a person is not founded in my fertility but rather in the fact that I am a loved and desired creation of God.  My infertility is part of me but it doesn't define me.  My Grandma Joyce used to tell us when we were small kids that we needed to weed out the root of bitterness in our hearts before it overtakes the beauty of our "garden".  I have prayed many times for God to change my emotions and my views of things that could steal my joy and grow my bitterness.  The miracle of my life is that my prayer to become a mom is not yet answered but I am free from the burden of bitterness and isolation and not on my own merit.  My joy comes from a source outside of myself.  "The joy of the Lord is my strength." Nehemiah 8:10

Need to Getaway? Palm Desert might be the place for you!

To prepare financially for our next embryo transfer (probably in January) Dan and I have decided to sell our timeshare week in Palm Desert (near Palm Springs, CA).  Let me know if you are interested and I can call or email you.  It is a great place and we have stayed there many times!  We especially like the modern decor, pools, and gym, Dan loves the tennis courts, and I love the scenery (The California desert is gorgeous in the winter!).  It is one of the top Marriott resorts- just built a few years ago on a Nick Faldo golf course that is one of the top courses in Palm Desert.  Here are some details and pictures:   

Location, Date, and Time

Week 51 at the Marriott Shadow Ridge Enclaves
Check in 4pm Friday December 17, 2010
Check out 10am Friday December 24, 2010

Accomodations
2 bedrooms 2 bathrooms, living room, private balcony/terrace, 
dining, full kitchen, laundry in unit (Sleeps eight - six privately)
 Price

$900 for the week (7 nights) plus $50 guest certificate 
(We are Marriott owners and need to order a certificate 
so the week is in your name.) - OR BEST OFFER
(Marriott is currently selling this week for $2139!!! 
which is about $300 per night!)

The Enclaves is a brand new property in Palm Desert with lots of amenities (pools, gym, outdoor gathering areas including an awesome outdoor fireplace, playgrounds, kids activity center, basketball, tennis courts, sand volleyball, on a Nick Faldo golf course.  Very family friendly.  See it on Marriott's website for pictures and details:

Fact Sheet - http://www.marriott.com/hotels/fact-sheet/travel/ctdst-marriotts-shadow-ridge-ii-the-enclaves/
Photos - http://www.marriott.com/hotels/photo-tours/ctdst-marriotts-shadow-ridge-ii-the-enclaves/
Hotel Room Info - http://www.marriott.com/hotels/hotel-rooms/ctdst-marriotts-shadow-ridge-ii-the-enclaves/

General Room Amenities

• Air conditioning
• Alarm clock
• Coffee maker/tea service
• Individual climate control
• Iron and ironing board
• Mini fridge
• Pillows: down/feather
• Pillows: foam
• Pull-out sofa bed
• Safe
• Washer/dryer

Bathroom Amenities

• Hair dryer
• Separate tub and shower

Room Entertainment

• Cable channel: CNN
• Cable channel: ESPN
• Cable channel: HBO
• Cable/satellite TV
• Color TV

Kitchen Amenities

• Dishwasher
• Microwave oven
• Pots, pans, serving dishes
• Refrigerator
• Refrigerator with icemaker
• Silverware
• Stove
• Table and chairs

Business Amenities

• Phone feature: voice mail