Battling Fear and Sorrow

The dreaded single pink line...times three...

I was going to approach this blogpost with a little lighter tone...a little humor.. like "One (pink line) Is The Loneliest Number" you know like the song.. but the fact is my heart is heavy today.  Yesterday was busy and I was able to push aside the news that all four of our embryos didn't make it and our transfer had failed.  I feel the darkness of fear washing over me.  What if we lose all of our remaining embryos and Lena doesn't get a sibling?  How will we pay for another transfer with one income, mounting debt, and a recent pay cut to my husband's paycheck?  How much longer can we endure the emotional roller coaster of infertility, doctor visits, daily injections, and seemingly endless waiting?

I knew early this week when all my home pregnancy tests were negative that my blood test yesterday would not bring us the news we wanted to hear.  I just got off the phone with Dr. K for my post-cycle consult which lasted all of two minutes.  Basically we can try again in January but he warned that the remaining embryos are of lesser quality than the ones we thawed for this last transfer.  The image of my big house full of kids is fading quickly...It will be weird for me to have a small family...as the oldest of five kids I am used to a bustling household.

I feel broken-hearted right now.

I look at Lena and wonder what her siblings would have been like.  Would they have sparkly blue eyes like her?  Would they be as outgoing as she is?  Who will share her life with her, keep her company, look out for her and love her unconditionally after Dan and I are gone?  My siblings and the time we have spent together in this life is so valuable to me...its priceless.  Each one of my brothers and my sister are irreplaceable.  They are all so unique and special and I can't imagine if one of them were never born and never part of our family.  When we lose our embryos Dan and I don't just lose babies, Lena loses her brothers and sisters and it breaks my heart.  It also makes me long for an open adoption.  I wish so badly that Lena could know her full blooded brother and sister who live with the family that gave us her group of embryos.  I found out a few weeks ago while I was at Dr. K's office that her genetic family doesn't even know that Lena exists.  I think that is sad.

I was cleaning all the old church bulletins out of my Bible this morning and one phrase that I must have scribbled onto one of them during a sermon caught my eye.  It simply read, "We must preach to our hearts".  And so it seems that is my task a lot this week.  We studied 1 Samuel 16-17 in women's Bible study this morning.  It is the passage where the young 15 year old shepherd David (who has learned to trust God to protect him and fearlessly fight when the lions and bears would attack his flock of sheep) is now faced with Goliath and the aggressive Philistines who are insulting and threatening the Isrealites.  David's response to this threat is confidence rather than fear.  To the world he was an unlikely hero as he helped save Isreal from the Philistine army.  To God he was a boy who faithfully and obediently did exactly what he had trained to do.  Wise beyond his years David trusted that God provides, God protects, and God is powerful and he lived his daily life confidently with that knowledge.  I hate that my natural reaction to difficulty is fear rather than confidence in a mighty God.

It is hard not to let my heart go to that dark place.  I have to remind myself that I have seen the provision of God.  I've seen it countless times in my own life.  One of my intense reactions after I realized our transfer didn't work was to just drop my "to do list" and spend tons of time with Lena.  I've never felt it more than this week just what a miracle my precious girl is.  I took her to the park for playtime, we went to Knott's Berry Farm and rode the merry go round and saw the horses, we read books together and snuggled in the special rocking chair, we danced to music and ate fun snacks...I am just so thankful that God has given us Lena.  She is a good visual reminder that the pain and frustration we sometimes endure is worth it.

Snack time at Knott's while we watch the Stagecoach drive by.

Lena LOVED riding the horsey on the merry go round like a big girl!