Battling Fear and Sorrow

The dreaded single pink line...times three...

I was going to approach this blogpost with a little lighter tone...a little humor.. like "One (pink line) Is The Loneliest Number" you know like the song.. but the fact is my heart is heavy today.  Yesterday was busy and I was able to push aside the news that all four of our embryos didn't make it and our transfer had failed.  I feel the darkness of fear washing over me.  What if we lose all of our remaining embryos and Lena doesn't get a sibling?  How will we pay for another transfer with one income, mounting debt, and a recent pay cut to my husband's paycheck?  How much longer can we endure the emotional roller coaster of infertility, doctor visits, daily injections, and seemingly endless waiting?

I knew early this week when all my home pregnancy tests were negative that my blood test yesterday would not bring us the news we wanted to hear.  I just got off the phone with Dr. K for my post-cycle consult which lasted all of two minutes.  Basically we can try again in January but he warned that the remaining embryos are of lesser quality than the ones we thawed for this last transfer.  The image of my big house full of kids is fading quickly...It will be weird for me to have a small family...as the oldest of five kids I am used to a bustling household.

I feel broken-hearted right now.

I look at Lena and wonder what her siblings would have been like.  Would they have sparkly blue eyes like her?  Would they be as outgoing as she is?  Who will share her life with her, keep her company, look out for her and love her unconditionally after Dan and I are gone?  My siblings and the time we have spent together in this life is so valuable to me...its priceless.  Each one of my brothers and my sister are irreplaceable.  They are all so unique and special and I can't imagine if one of them were never born and never part of our family.  When we lose our embryos Dan and I don't just lose babies, Lena loses her brothers and sisters and it breaks my heart.  It also makes me long for an open adoption.  I wish so badly that Lena could know her full blooded brother and sister who live with the family that gave us her group of embryos.  I found out a few weeks ago while I was at Dr. K's office that her genetic family doesn't even know that Lena exists.  I think that is sad.

I was cleaning all the old church bulletins out of my Bible this morning and one phrase that I must have scribbled onto one of them during a sermon caught my eye.  It simply read, "We must preach to our hearts".  And so it seems that is my task a lot this week.  We studied 1 Samuel 16-17 in women's Bible study this morning.  It is the passage where the young 15 year old shepherd David (who has learned to trust God to protect him and fearlessly fight when the lions and bears would attack his flock of sheep) is now faced with Goliath and the aggressive Philistines who are insulting and threatening the Isrealites.  David's response to this threat is confidence rather than fear.  To the world he was an unlikely hero as he helped save Isreal from the Philistine army.  To God he was a boy who faithfully and obediently did exactly what he had trained to do.  Wise beyond his years David trusted that God provides, God protects, and God is powerful and he lived his daily life confidently with that knowledge.  I hate that my natural reaction to difficulty is fear rather than confidence in a mighty God.

It is hard not to let my heart go to that dark place.  I have to remind myself that I have seen the provision of God.  I've seen it countless times in my own life.  One of my intense reactions after I realized our transfer didn't work was to just drop my "to do list" and spend tons of time with Lena.  I've never felt it more than this week just what a miracle my precious girl is.  I took her to the park for playtime, we went to Knott's Berry Farm and rode the merry go round and saw the horses, we read books together and snuggled in the special rocking chair, we danced to music and ate fun snacks...I am just so thankful that God has given us Lena.  She is a good visual reminder that the pain and frustration we sometimes endure is worth it.

Snack time at Knott's while we watch the Stagecoach drive by.

Lena LOVED riding the horsey on the merry go round like a big girl!

The Shopping is Done!

All stocked up for Tuesday morning!  8dp5dt

Whenever you do an embryo transfer people in the EA (Embryo Adoption) community want to know (either outwardly or secretly) if you are going to do what is affectionately known as POAS (Pee On A Stick) or take a pregnancy test before your official pregnancy blood test.  Over two years ago when we had our first FET I blogged elaborately about my personal philosophy on this issue.  Basically, I would rather know as soon as possible if our transfer has been successful or not.  After that first transfer failed I almost went back on my philosophy and swore off home pregnancy tests for our second transfer......that was until day 8 came around and I couldn't wait two more days for my blood test.  Today Dan and I once again made the trek to The Dollar Tree for some inexpensive "Pee Sticks" because I plan on testing this time!  I know though especially because one of our embryos has a good chance of developing into a blighted ovum (pregnancy with no baby) that I will wait to celebrate fully until we get our BETA results (pregnancy results from the blood tests) and see the heart beat(s) in the ultrasound at six weeks.  I know I might be setting myself up for major disappointment....but I HAVE to know!  Here's to hoping we get lots of dark pink lines this month!!!

A Worthy Cause!

Dear Readers,

All of you know that Dan and I have grown (are growing) our family through embryo adoption/donation. I am always surprised by how many people (even doctors) don't know about this option. The US Congress has decided to cut the $2 million per year funding for embryo donation/adoption in the 2013 budget and beyond. Such a small amount compared to their $1 million per day funding for other organizations like Planned Parenthood. Please take a minute to read Nightlight's webpage on this issue and contact your US Congressman to advocate for this very worthy issue. So many infertile couples could have families and so many frozen embryos could be born if only people knew about this amazing option!

Sincerely, 

The Shack Family

Link to the Campaign to Save the Federal Grant for Embryo Adoption/Donation Awareness


Our letter to our Congressman:

Dear Representative Miller:

I am writing you today to let you know that my husband and I support continued funding for the Embryo Donation and Adoption Awareness Campaign (CFDA No. 93.007).

Less than $2M per year is allocated to help educate Americans about this important, life-giving adoption choice. The federal government provides over $1M PER DAY to Planned Parenthood.

In our experience as recipients of donor embryos it is surprising how few people, even doctors, know about embryo donation/adoption. Every person we have had the opportunity to share this process with thinks it is a great alternative to disposing embryos or leaving them frozen. Moreover, parents who are infertile, as we are, are excited to learn about the opportunity of embryo donation/adoption. There is definitely a need for funds so that more people can know about this miraculous option!

There are now over 600,000 embryos in frozen storage in the U.S. and the number grows by 4% every year. Since 2002, organizations receiving this grant funding have INCREASED embryo donation and adoption and it is now growing by 25% annually.

Please reinstate funding for this important work in the 2013 Presidential budget and beyond.

Sincerely,
Daniel and Elizabeth Shack
Parents to one miraculous baby born through embryo donation/adoption.

One Year Old!

The official JC Penny portrait!

Little Miss Lena Joyce is a toddler!  It seems that daily she is changing;  learning new words, showing off new moves, asserting her will, making her personality known.  Recently she learned to climb stairs and more gates are going up in our three story house.  She can now say "kitty kitty" in addition to "dog dog" which she does in a cute little whisper voice.  She calls Dan "Da Da" and me "Dahh".  She won't say "ma ma' yet but we work on it everyday.  She is jibbering more and more and falls into these huge laughing fits when Dan does something funny.  She loves playing chase especially when she is being chased.  She is still pretty small but definitely growing.  She likely weighs somewhere around 17 pounds, wears 6-9 month bottoms and 9 month tops and just moved into size 3 shoes and diapers. 

First pigtails!

 Lena had her first visit to the ER this month.  She caught bronchitis for the third time in the last five months and this last time was the worst coming only five days after the second bout.  We had to do breathing treatments and steroids and she is finally better.  The doctors suspect that she may have allergies and/or be asthmatic but it is too early to officially diagnose her.

Lena's little first Fall pumpkin!

We took Lena to her first pumpkin patch and corn maze.  She LOVED touching all of the pumpkins and seeing the chickens everywhere.  She really enjoys animals and strongly prefers toys that have faces and that are fuzzy and furry.  We have a big purple bunny that we got from a friend and she just falls on top of it and smothers it with loves and hugs.  She can be very cuddly. 

Lena has really been enjoying table food lately.  It started last month at my cousin's wedding.  Dan was holding Lena and while we were distracted visiting she had reached down to his plate and had eaten half of his dinner roll!  She loves puffs, crackers, cheese, chicken, and other small morsels...oh yes... she LOVES ice cream!  We have been practicing self feeding but pretty much she still just makes a huge mess.

 

Learning to feed herself!

Happy Birthday to our precious Lena Joyce who has made the last year one of the best in our entire lives.  We love you so much and can't wait to see the young lady that you will become!

Transfer Day - Meet the Newest Shacks!

It was a beautiful day in Thousand Oaks at the fertility clinic.  Ready to meet our babies!

This was our best quality embryo.  The wall is nice and intact and the cells are not damaged and clumped together nicely.

This cell has a nice wall but as you can see there are not many cells in the middle.  The dark cells are what develops into the fetus.  There are some cells and they might multiply or the pregnancy might develop into what is called a blighted ovum where there is everything but a baby. 

This morning we went in for our third frozen embryo transfer.   The day went well but not quiet as smoothly as I had hoped.  We had to wait a long time once we got to the very busy doctor's office and once we were taken back to our procedure room we found out why.

Here we are sitting in the procedure room waiting for Dr. K to come in and talk with us.

 Our first two blasts that were thawed didn't look very good and Dr. K after looking at them told the embryologist to thaw two more blasts which took an additional 30 minutes.  Dr. K came in an explained the condition of all four embryos and told us we had important decisions to make.  I had prayed specifically to not have to make any stressful decisions today...oh well.  He told us our options:
1.  Choose which two of the four embryos to put in and discard the others.
2.  Choose which two of the four embryos to put in and let the others "grow out" and refreeze them if they do grow and survive.
3.  Thaw two more embryos so we would have more and possibly better embryos to choose from.

This is an embryo from the first two blasts that were thawed.  It has a nice wall and generous clump of cells but many of them were damaged by the ice crystals when it was frozen making this embryo less "viable".

This is an embryo from the second two blasts that were thawed.  It has a collapsed wall and many of the cells were also damaged by ice crystals when it was frozen make it less "viable". 

I immediately looked at Dan and then put my head in my hands.  Dr. K could tell I was distressed by this situation.  I told him right off that I viewed all the embryos as alive and didn't want to discard any of them.  He sat down for a longer discussion.  He went on for several minutes talking about the reproductive process and how the majority of embryos in the natural state don't make it because they are not genetically viable.  Blah, blah, blah... I was a little perturbed.  Ultimately, the talk did help me and Dan decide that we would choose option two.  We are expecting a call from the embryologist on how the two embryos we didn't transfer are doing but haven't heard anything yet.  As much as I love Dr. K it is hard to work with a doctor who has a different moral point of view on the value of an embryo's life.  I do feel at peace with our decision.  I think if I had had a say from the beginning I would have just transferred the first two blasts without thawing the other two but Dr. K did so without asking us.

This is the window in the procedure room to the embryologist's lab.  They pass the embryos to Dr. K through this window to do the transfer.

 After our decision was made I pleaded, "Can I take my valium now?"  I was a little jittery.  I changed into my gown and downed two bottles of water (which proved to be too much!)  then Dan gave me a nice head rub while I relaxed waiting for Dr. K to come back in to do the transfer.

Dan was a great husband, keeping me calm and relaxed.

Finally, Dr. K came in and in a matter of minutes he placed the cathiter in which held our two embryos and placed them inside my uterus.  The actual transfer went perfectly.  I had to lay and relax on the table for another 25 minutes before I could empty my bladder and head home.  It was hard to make it to 25 minutes because I drank too much water!  It was kind of comical.

It is hard to tell but there is a bright white line and then underneath a more faint white line/blob and that  is my embryos and the fluid they are in.  One black blob is my uterus and the other is my bladder.

 Dr. K came in to say good-bye like he always does.  He ordered me the same three things as usual:  positive thoughts only, rest, good food!  They wheeled me out in the wheelchair and we make a quick stop to pick Lena up at my parents' house on our way home.  So I've been relaxing in bed and will pray that our little embies (all four - two with me and two in the dish) make it.  Dan reminded me after Dr. K left the room before our transfer.  He said, "Dr. K says we like to think we can control everything but we can't.  We know that God is in control and he will do what is best.  So we don't need to worry."  It was a good reminder.  I have an estrogen blood test on Saturday and then our first BETA to test for pregnancy is on Thursday, November 15th.  So the waiting continues...

Just sitting in the dark waiting...

Well it is 6:30 am local time and I am up sitting on the couch in our hotel room typing in the dark while Dan gets a little more sleep.  (He is going to need it as he has sole responsibility for Lena while I am on bed rest!)  I couldn't sleep anymore, partly because I always wake up early to exercise or hang out with Lena.  Only Lena isn't here this morning; she is with my parents.   I also woke up because the bed in this hotel is hard as a rock and my back was killing me!  Lastly, I keep thinking about our transfer this morning.  We have decided to transfer two of the blasts and I am anxious/excited to see how they will do in the "thaw".  I am not nervous about the actual procedure at all.  Dr. K and his team are just so awesome at what they do.  I don't want to have to make decisions about anything.  In our first transfer they asked me if I wanted to discard one embryo that didn't look so great.  I would NEVER choose to do that and I hate it when they ask me those types of questions.  I am hoping all goes smoothly...

My shots have been going well but I feel sick from the PIO shots this time.  I don't remember being so nausiated from them last time.  After we dropped off Lena and had a nice family dinner at my parent's house last night we dropped by to see my cousin and her family.  We had a good visit and prayer time and then headed to check into our hotel and sleep.  When I left my parents' house as I walked out the door I said, "The next time you see me I will be pregnant!"  This process is so wild.  However, it is becoming more normal to me.  Well, in a couple of hours we will head over to the doctor's office.  My transfer is at 10:00am local time.  I will post from my comfy bed at home later tonight and let you know how everything went!  Pray for us today if you think about it. 

First Halloween!

Last year on Halloween I was admitted to the hospital to induce labor for preclampsia.  This Halloween was a little more low key.  We did a simple Minnie Mouse costume since she loves her Minnie Mouse bath book and the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse show.  She was Halloween partners with her friend Adam who was Mickey.  We went to a bustling downtown area and had a nice dinner with our friends before heading home.  Kind of glad we don't have to Trick or Treat yet.

All dressed up with Pop!

Lena wasn't in the best of moods that night.

 Halloween is not my favorite holiday but we made it fun! I do love the fall season and a few days before Halloween we visited a real pumpkin patch to hunt for the cutest little Lena sized pumpkins we could find.  We also got to do a fun corn maze and see some farm animals. 

Too big.....

.....just right!!!!